Coffey On TV

Nine couples, one dream – to open a restaurant, financially backed and supported by Raymond Blanc. The Restaurant is bit like a culinary version of The Apprentice if you think about it. Only instead of a gruff Alan Sugar barking out ‘you’re fired!’ at the end of it there’s a suave French bloke chirping “you vill not open ze restaurant vith me!”

Monsieur Blanc could never be as boorish as the Amstrad entrepreneur though, even when he is in clear contempt of the culinary klutz’s the BBC have recruited for the series, seemingly for pure entertainment value rather than actual ability (again rather Apprentice-like).

Raymond even has an equivalent of The Apprentice’s Margaret and Nick in the form of two ominous ‘expert’ restaurant investors. Sarah Willingham – a piranha in lip-gloss whose withering looks could probably kill a man at 10 paces and David Moore who, unable to compete with Cruella de Ville instead plays good cop – or rather fairy godmother in keeping with the pantomime feel of the show.

At the start the couples are instructed by Raymond to produce a signature dish that encompasses the ‘creative vision’ for their gastronomic ambitions and are let loose in the kitchen for an hour – what could possibly go wrong?

Plenty, funnily enough. It’s a bit like watching one of those old episodes of Casualty where everyone is bright-eyed, bushy-tailed and so clearly deluded about their cooking ability that you are just waiting ominously for the proverbial car-crash to happen.

Highlights include Yorkshire mother and daughter duo Natalie and Sandy getting sent home for their own safety after their ‘creative’ use of kitchen knives and husband and wife team Janet and James serving the esteemed panel supermarket smoked salmon on a plate as their signature dish… followed by a toe-curling plea to stay in the competition.

Also watch out for Sloane-y cocktail bar entrepreneurs JJ and James (with identical Boris Johnson blonde flicks) who have a tendency toward high-fiving when they’re not basking in each others Gucci sunglassed reflection, and mother and son twosome Sarah and Joe. Mummy’s boy Joe is so clearly cosseted that when he comes to pitch his restaurant idea to the panel without the aide of mama, he splutters inarticulately about wanting to produce all the food himself from an allotment in the back garden and not really knowing anything else.

The dream, as always, is far from the reality in this series. Car-crash TV at its best.