Me and my travelds

Eat as the locals do. Avoid any restaurant where there are more than two of your own countrymen. Drink plenty of indigenous beverage. And let things happen.

I NEVER TRAVEL WITHOUT...

An iPod, and (when possible) the right music for the right setting. Little on earth cannot be improved by an appropriate soundtrack. An example of a perfect match of music to environment was a recent trip by rail from London to Edinburgh. I had the title music of Get Carter on my headphones. Even better than reality.

MY IDEA OF PARADISE IS...

A beach. A palm tree. Bare feet. My wife and daughter. A frosty beer. A thick book. No plans.

I'M IN NO HURRY TO RETURN TO...

Uzbekistan. The food was not good. And an atmosphere of friendliness did not, shall we say, prevail. Beautiful structures of enormous historical significance are not enough, particularly when they are offset by some of the worst Soviet-Modern architecture on earth. And the Fearless Leader is one ugly, scary looking mug. Seeing his face once is bad enough. Seeing it everywhere is depressing.

MY FAVOURITE HOTEL IS...

The Chateau Marmont in Los Angeles. I love. It almost makes LA worth going to. Comfy, private, old, slightly dysfunctional, casual and famously non-judgmental. You feel that if you showed up for breakfast having forgotten to put on your trousers, no one would notice or care. The rooms feel like home - with antique 1940s-style kitchens - so you never feel like you're waking up in just another hotel.

THE LUXURY I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT ON HOLIDAY IS...

Some really good plumbing every once in a while. In fact, a few days of deprivation - of washing yourself in cold water from a pail and crapping in a ditch, for instance - make one's first hot, high-pressure shower all the more pleasurable. If you spend as much time as I do in longhouses - or Soviet-quality chain hotels - good sheets, lots of clean, fluffy towels and a toilet that actually flushes take on near-iconic importance.

GOOD SERVICE IS...

Casual, friendly and reasonably efficient - and a properly poured beer. Beyond that, I'm a man of simple needs. I hate obsequious service. I don't want to be called 'Mister' anything. Just say, 'How ya doin' and get me a beer in good time and without bugs in it and I'm happy.

WHEN I'M TRAVELLING I ALWAYS MISS...

My crew. They're professionals. They've seen me at my very worst. I've seen them at theirs.

MY PERFECT HOLIDAY WOULD BE...

A week upriver in Borneo with the Iban people, followed by a week of good food, good plumbing and old friends at the Grand Hyatt Singapore, followed by a week's refuge by the pool at the Raleigh in South Beach, Miami, a few beers at my favourite dive bar (Mac's Club Deuce) and some cheap tacos across the street.

THE THING I HATE MOST ABOUT TRAVEL IS...

Being away from my family. As a new dad, that's increasingly problematic. Fortunately, my infant daughter is a very good traveller.

WHEN TRAVELLING I ALWAYS EAT...

Street food, local specialities and pretty much whatever is offered. I avoid hotel food at all costs. As for airline food, I try to avoid that too, unless I'm on a 20-hour flight on Singapore Airlines.

MY WORST HOLIDAY EVER WAS TO...