Things could not be better in Darling world

Things could not be better in Darling world

The lads in the Treasury team had some good news and some better news today. The best news was for the banks, which are to be rescued with a further £39bn of our money. That's not far short of £2,000 a household, on top of everything else they've had. It is, apparently, the biggest bank bailout ever, throughout history, anywhere in the galaxy.

But there's good news for the rest of us too. The return to 17.5% VAT, due at the start of 2010, will not apply in pubs that stay open until 6am on New Year's Day. Yippee! If you stay out drinking till then, you could save whole pennies. Pints all round.

The team was facing the Commons for the first time since figures showed that the British economy – alone among developed nations – was stuck in recession. Indeed, as George Osborne pointed out, if we are to meet the chancellor's targets for the year, we'll need 24% growth in the last quarter. Not very likely.

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You had to admire Alistair Darling's chutzpah. For months the government has been telling us that Britain would "lead the world" out of recession. Instead it turns out that Britain is like the little lame boy in Hamelin, hobbling along, left hopelessly behind. (Of course it was the poor little lame boy who didn't get led into the cave by the pied piper. So maybe I should drop this allegory.)

Nothing fazes Darling. He is never knowingly underflapped. If Iran's Republican Guard were to storm the chamber, hurling grenades and bayonetting survivors, he would still talk in his calm, unflustered way about structured deals and agreements on good practice, right up to the moment he was disembowelled.

It turns out that in Darling world, things could hardly be better. The fact that every other country is now growing is yet more terrific news. They are markets, and we can sell into them! If we – he didn't quite say but he meant – were roaring ahead with tremendous growth and they were doing as badly as us, then where would we be? No one could buy our goods, and we would be poorer than ever. So it's topping news that the economy is still declining.

You just know that if the voters of Edinburgh South West decide to chuck the chancellor out, he will say that things could not be spiffier. It will be his opportunity to sell the Big Issue and make lots of money, which he couldn't do if he were still in work. Or in a house.

Osborne persisted. He clearly didn't get it. How could our failure to thrive be good news? Well, because Darling had done the right thing, whereas the Tories would have done "absolutely nothing", according to Darling. There were 189 countries in the world, and all of them had followed the Labour government's example, including, presumably those which are about to be covered by the sea.

If anything, Darling was even more pleased by his bank bailout statement. He had banned cash bonuses until 2012. Vince Cable asked, very drily: "Why is it a great discipline and hardship to ask bankers to wait three years for their next Ferrari?"

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