The digested budget

The digested budget

Today... I'd rather be almost anywhere else... I'm going to offer help through the global recession and create opportunities for the future... Not that I've got one. We are experiencing serious global turmoil... So it's nothing I've done wrong, though if you want to point the finger, Gordo's just behind me... but by taking decisive action... a first... I believe we have good grounds for confidence... Stop laughing.

This budget will build on the magnificent work of the London G20... Those were the days, me, Gordo and Barack on the TV together... and the economy will start growing by the end of the year... I'm not saying which one. By 2020 the British economy will have doubled in size... I can say what I like, you can't prove otherwise... and we will once again be a world leader.... Just as we are now, of course.

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Like all other countries... Did I mention it was a global recession?... Britain has been facing a time of falling industrial production and rising unemployment, but thanks to positive action by this government... I can't remember what, but I'm sure it will come to me soon... we are in a far better position than Germany, Italy and Japan... that were on the losing side in the second world war, if you remember... to ride out this time of economic uncertainty.

In my pre-budget report, I announced accelerated capital projects... whatever they are... and £20bn of help in income tax credits... so you're feeling better already... and I today propose to announce measures to protect half a million jobs... though it's far too late to protect mine. The IMF... I hate those bastards... have downgraded their forecasts three times since last October so I now have to say the UK economy will shrink by 3.5%. But it will start growing by the end of the year... pigs might fly... and by 2010 it will grow by 1.25% … there they go... and in 2011 it will reach 3.5%... I can say what I like, because I'm not going to be around to be held to account, so you can take that grin off your smug face, Osborne.

People's greatest fears are losing their jobs and their home … I'm talking from experience here... so I am introducing a £1.75bn support package for the unemployed and I will maintain the stamp duty holiday at £175K... it's made bugger all difference, so I might as well... to get the house market moving. I am also aware of the problems companies have had in getting credit and to this end I am announcing that loss-making companies can reclaim their tax paid over the last four years... that should sort out RBS. I am also introducing a £2,000 scrappage scheme for cars over 10 years old to help stimulate the automotive industry... and because I've got to throw the greens a bone.