Sean Coughlan: Funny money

Sean Coughlan: Funny money

I've always liked the old joke about the man who rushes into his GP's surgery, saying: "Doctor, doctor, you've got to help me. I'm turning into a giant moth." And the baffled GP asks: "You should be going to a psychiatrist. What made you come in here?" "I saw your light was on," says the patient.

That pretty much sums up my relationship with most of the companies I give money to each month, when I pay my bills. They were never chosen rationally, and I've no idea why I'm staying with them, except for the exhausted, too-tiredto- think-about-it inertia that dominates most of our financial lives.

I had a perfect example of this dysfunctional relationship this week. I had a phone bill from BT and noticed a warning about slapping on a £5 fine for overdue payments on red reminder letters. What do you think I noticed next? The date when the payment was due was six days after the bill came through my letterbox - and since the due date was a Sunday, that gave me four working days if I was going to get the cheque to them on time.

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That also depends on the mood swings of another service provider, the Post Office, which has shut down my two local post offices - while the Royal Mail seems to deliver when the fancy takes them. What are the odds that there will be a stack of people getting £5 stuck on top of their next bills?

Of course, the answer is to sign up for direct debits. But we've already seen how this easy access to our cash gets tapped by the electricity and gas providers. A few years ago, you could hardly spend an evening without some wild-eyed salesman trying to make you change your energy supplier by promising instant savings.

Now they've netted their catch, the tide is going in an-other direction. I keep getting letters saying that due to unforeseen circumstances, such as the pressing need to give distended bonuses to senior managers, all the prices are going up. Suddenly the £30 a month being extracted from our account becomes £40. And the explanatory letter is designed to explain nothing.

Who are these gas and electricity suppliers? Most of us think we're on top of our game if we can remember their names. The sheer anonymity of our service providers is more impenetrable than anything invented by Kafka. At least he had a real-life castle to negotiate. What would he have made of a call centre? Dial seven for alienation. Dial eight if you're waiting to turn into a giant fly.

Which brings me to broadband internet connections. I want to sign up, but every time I mention a provider, someone at the office pulls a face and says she was kept on hold for two days by their helpline. Or says their internet service gets stuck more often than a slug in a strawberry bed.

Who can we trust when we don't know who anyone is or where they are? Why I am asking you these questions? Well, I saw your light was on.

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