Coping with an affair

When you talk about it sit or stand so that you can maintain eye contact with your partner

Agree to spend appropriate time talking and listening to your partner, even if you fear bad news is at hand.

Avoid cutting in on what your partner is saying. Let them finish before responding. You will probably be upset, but try not to start shouting or rush out. You need to hear the full story in order to assess exactly what has happened.

Ask questions if you need to, but ask those that relate to why the affair happened. For instance, ask what your partner felt was going on in your relationship to warrant an affair.

Avoid asking questions such as "Were they better in bed than me?" You may want answers to these kinds of questions later on, but it is better to make sense of your feelings about why the affair happened at this stage.

Avoid immediately blaming your partner, their lover or yourself. It may seem tempting to hurl an insult at your partner about their fickleness and blame their lover as seducer, but this will not help you work out why the affair has happened. You should also shy away from self-blame. You may wonder if your own short-comings have caused the affair, but ultimately affairs are at least the responsibility of your joint relationship and should not be regarded as just your (or your partner's) fault.

Choose a venue where you are unlikely to be disturbed.

Make time available rather than rush through your discussion because you have to leave

Be honest. Explain that you have something difficult to say and then say "I have had an affair". Avoid using euphemisms such as "I have someone else" or "I feel strongly for another person", as they may be confusing for your partner

Avoid intimate details of the affair at this stage. For instance do not go into detail about the wonderful sex or weekend in a hotel. Your partner will be having a hard enough time getting to grips with the idea that you have had an affair, let alone the nitty-gritty of the relationship.

Offer an explanation of why you think the affair happened. Avoid putting all the blame on your partner. For instance, do not say, "If only you had been more attentive I wouldn't have needed to confide in him/her", Instead explain any of the contributory issues that are appropriate and truthful. For example, you might say "I have been under terrific pressure at work that we did not talk about much. She/he was supportive and an affair developed".

How can an affair be forgiven?
It is vital that you both understand the real reasons why it happened. To do this you will have to talk about what had been going on between you in the time leading up to the affair. This can be very painful, but unless you know what went wrong, you won't be able to change things in the future. Be patient. Rebuilding trust that has been broken can take a long time.

What helps to mend a relationship?

The unfaithful partner must end the affair, once and for all.

Talk it through. This process may take days, weeks, or longer. Don't talk on for hours and hours - you'll just go round in circles. Set a time limit, and don't talk when you're tired.

Agree to discuss future problems, too, instead of just hoping they'll go away.

Make a commitment to a new future together. Both partners must do this, and mean it.

Find more time for each other, take more interest in each others' lives and feelings.

Try to sort out sexual problems.

Consider couple counselling.

Only you can decide what to do in the aftermath of an affair, and whatever you decide will not be easy. Many affairs cause havoc in a relationship that is already dogged with problems. Affairs do sometimes provoke far-reaching changes that eventually strengthen and enhance the relationship. The cost can be very high, however.

An affair can also have destructive effects on your family. Children, in-laws, friends, may all find themselves caught up in events, and perhaps having to take sides. Permanent barriers can be created. Even so, an affair does not always mean the end of your relationship. With hard work, commitment and patience, it may be possible to come through this crisis changed, but also stronger.

The key message is to understand why the affair happened, rather than running away from the reasons. Whether you stay together or part, it is crucial to gather some insights into what went wrong. Do this, and if you remain together you will have a deeper understanding of yourselves. If you part, you will know that you had the courage to face the truth, and will be better prepared for future relationships.

For help and advice on couple and family relationships contact Relate.

Content provided by www.relate.org.uk