Bereaved child

How can I control my seven-year-old?

My child is nervous about going to the toilet

Question
I foster an eight-year-old boy whose mother died a year ago. He wets the bed every night and has started to get up and walk around the house crying while he is still asleep.

When he is awake he appears happy and is always laughing, he showed no sign of upset when his mother died.

Answer
The death of a parent can be a traumatic event for children and there is some evidence that they are more likely to suffer psychological problems afterwards if they do not have a surviving parent, or another adult to whom they feel close, who can provide comfort, support, love and security following the bereavement.

The fact that the eight-year-old boy you are asking about has had to go into foster care implies that there were problems in the family or social circumstances and this, together with all the changes in his life that being fostered will have brought about, could well be contributing to ongoing stress and anxiety.

The bedwetting and crying whilst sleepwalking could well be signs of psychological disturbance (although many children who wet the bed or sleepwalk do not have underlying psychological problems) but it is reassuring that you say he is generally a happy boy.

Both you and his teachers at school need to keep a lookout for any disturbed behaviour such as being withdrawn, tearful, aggressive or excessively fearful.

If he wakes after one of these crying episodes during the night ask him if he can remember what he was dreaming about and gently encourage him to talk about it.

In general it is helpful for children to be able to talk about the deceased parent, to remember happy times they spent with them and to be able to keep alive the memory of that parent.

They may have questions and fears relating to the way their parent died and may feel guilty, believing that in some way they were responsible for their parent dying.

You may be able to help the boy you are fostering by talking with him and addressing his concerns in a sensitive way, but if you think he may need professional help you could find out whether any kind of bereavement counselling for children is available in your area by talking to your GP or to the social worker involved in his care.

Yours sincerely

The Medical Team

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