Will he cheat if I don't act out his fantasies?

Strange fantasies when masturbating

Question

I have known my husband for 14 years. His whole life has been rather promiscuous. Since we have been together, he has had an emotional affair with a co-worker, and has regularly used porn sites for satisfaction.

He actually masturbates at work then doesn't want sex with me.

I am more than willing to have sex, almost have to beg for it. I get angry about him masturbating rather than having sexual intercourse with me.

At one point he said he was bored with our sex life, and that he wanted me to be really 'freaky' and try things like S & M clubs, anal sex, etc.

He knows I am not 'freaky' but I am willing to try a few things if I felt more secure instead of feeling as if I was just fulfilling his fantasies of other people.

I want to work on a better sex life with just a normal foundation first. But it seems that he would still rather find any excuse to masturbate and not have sex with me.

He says he loves me, and that the rest of our marriage is great. Will he cheat on me if I don't act out his fantasies?

Answer

David writes:

Your story suggests that he hasn't committed himself to this marriage at all. If what you say is correct, then his interpretation of a husband's role has included:

If all this is true, then his commitment to the marriage is far from adequate. So it's time you asked him whether he really wants to continue with it.

If he really does, then he needs to buck his ideas up – fast. If he doesn't, then maybe it's time for you to move on.

Christine adds:

It seems unlikely that agreeing to all his demands – including doing stuff that you don't want to do – is likely to keep this man faithful to you.

Of course all marriages require some compromise, but it sounds like you are being required to compromise a great deal more than him.

I agree with David that you should ask your husband if he wants to stay married. If he does, my view is that you could both do with some relationship counselling. Why not ring Relate?

I'm sure you'd like this marriage to last. But you need to decide whether there is enough in it to make you want to stay. And hopefully some relationship counselling might bring you closer together and help you decide whether the two of you have a future.

Yours sincerely

Dr David Delvin, GP, and Christine Webber, sex and relationships expert

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