My long-term boyfriend rarely goes down on me

I can't make my lover come through oral sex

Making oral sex safe

My girlfriend dislikes oral sex

Question

I'm starting to become bitter because I am constantly stimulating him with oral sex but the act is not reciprocated.

I love him dearly and we have talked about it. He says that he isn't sure if he's good at oral sex and will make an attempt at it in the future.

But every single one of those times I have had to initiate it.

I am becoming infuriated because there has been many times when I have given him blow jobs and received nothing in return – no sex, nothing. On other occasions, I give him a blowjob and then we have just have intercourse.

We love each other very much and want to spend the rest of our lives together. The sex is great, but the lack of oral sex makes me feel like he is being very lazy and selfish.

What should I do to make him understand? Especially when we've already discussed it several times.

Answer

David writes:

I must say that my sympathies are entirely with you.

It seems bizarre that you give him oral sex - but that he won't do the same thing for you. But alas, that is the case in many relationships. Let's look at possible reasons why he won't do it.

Christine adds:

Let's just hope he is simply unsure how to do it - and is also generous enough to want to learn. If not, I think you're going to get more and more fed up – particularly if oral sex is your preferred or easiest way to orgasm.

Such problems can fester and ruin what is otherwise a great relationship. Try, gently, to help him to see this.

David has mentioned Relate, and I personally think that some counselling with an expert there might be beneficial for both of you.

You do seem extremely angry with him, and that in itself may indicate that though you feel you want to spend the rest of your lives together, you do not appear to communicate very well on some important issues.

I feel that these may become more important in time and that you are going to need to be able to speak to each other calmly in these situations if the relationship is to survive.

The other thing is that me often feel that women 'go on and on' at them. I wonder if this is what is happening in your house.

Again this comes down to finding a method by which you can discuss (rather than go on and on!) things in a way that suits you both. Relate could certainly help with this as they offer face-to-face counselling and also phone, Internet and email therapy. So hopefully there will be something there to suit you both.

Yours sincerely

Dr David Delvin, GP, and Christine Webber, sex and relationships expert

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