Am I wrong for feeling so insecure?

He doesn't love me, and just wants 'fun'

My husband seems to be 'married' to his job

Why has my partner suddenly gone off our planned marriage and left me?

Question

Sometimes I find myself thinking about ways in which my boyfriend might cheat on me. We live together and if he goes out with his friends I sometimes call to see if I can hear a girl's voice in the background.

When he goes for lunch at work I wonder if he meets up with someone or if he comes home more than 30 minutes late I worry myself sick and I ask 20 questions just to see if I can tell if he is lying. I get so worked up that I get stomach pains and vomit.

I've never caught him doing anything but ever since we got together I have just got it into my head that he was going to 'play games'.

I wonder if my past is making me think this way or what I've seen my parents do to each other. I asked him last night if he really loves me. Of course he said yes but I just sit and think well does he really?

He does everything for me and he is so nice; he never raises his voice or hurts my feelings.

How do I get over this fear in my heart and in my mind?

I also tried to trick him by saying that someone told me things that never really happened but obviously this did not work.

Answer

I'm really glad you contacted me. We all get jealous and insecure to some extent, but the degree to which you are suffering is not really normal and my view is that you could do with some professional help to deal with it.

You may however be able to help yourself quite swiftly by reading some good books. There are several titles concerned with jealousy that might help you.

I would also suggest you get 'Mind over mood' by Greenberger and Padesky. This is a book that will explain how it is your own thoughts that are distressing you rather than any particular situation.

And another good book is 'Overcoming jealousy' by Professor Windy Dryden, published by Sheldon.

But I do personally think you would also benefit from some counselling. As you are only 19, you could start with the Brook organisation. Their website is: www.brook.org.uk. I don't know where you live, and therefore whether you are near enough to a branch of Brook to get face-to-face help, but they would be a good starting point.

Another possibility is to go to your GP and tell him about your stress and jealousy - particularly about how you make yourself physically sick with worry.

My own view is that you would benefit most from a course of cognitive behaviour therapy - and the GP would tell you if there is any provision for that on NHS in your area. He can also tell you about other NHS counselling. Another possibility is that if you're a student, there should be a student counselling service in your college or university.

I hope that one of these ideas will hit the spot because I do feel that you need help right now.

Finally, why not try the , you could learn quite a lot about yourself – and then follow the advice given for your particular rating.

Very best of luck to you!

Yours sincerely

Christine Webber, sex and relationships expert

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