I don't want as much sex as I used to?

My boyfriend has a really low sex drive

Question
I'm female and I have been sexually active over the last six years, since I was about 15 years old.

I have had four sexual partners. Three of the four were serious boyfriends.

My last boyfriend was a guy I was together with for two years. I was never really happy with him because he didn't treat me well, and I never felt I was about to trust him. I think I stayed in the relationship for so long because I was depressed and lonely.

When I finally broke up with him I found out that everything I suspected was true. He had cheated on me on a number of occasions and with numerous people. It turns out that one of the girls was one of my best friends.

He also had genital warts and didn't tell me about them. He didn't care if I got them and he lied about having them. Finally, after I interrogated him about them for a third time he admitted that he did have genital warts and I broke up with him soon after.

My break-up with this guy happened over a year ago and although I dislike him more than any other person in this world I have a hard time getting over what he did to me.

I think that part of the problem is that we have the same friends, so I see him more than I can handle. He also has a very sweet girlfriend that he treats in the same way and I feel so bad for her.

I know that I shouldn't worry about her, or tell her how I feel. I just have so much anger towards him. He wasted two years of my life and the whole situation makes me sick.

Anyway, I've had a new boyfriend for about a year. He is the best guy in the world. He is everything that every woman wants. He is attractive, sweet, caring, sensitive, trustworthy, and loving. I love him with all my heart and he has made me so happy. I have happiness now that I've never had before and I feel so lucky to have him. There is a problem though.

We don't have sex very often and it's because of me. I just don't ever really feel like doing it. If we were to have sex only when I wanted to, it would probably happen one to three times a month.

In the past I was interested three to five times a week. I don't understand why I don't feel like it.

I never get horny and it's hard for me to get turned on. I don't think it has anything to do with him. I don't know if it is to do with the fact that I used to have sex with a jerk who cheated on me and almost gave me genital warts, or because my new boyfriend and I got off on a really long rocky start.

It also could be my medications and I don't know if any of these can mess with sex drive.

Another thing to point out is that my new lover is the only one that can give me an orgasm every time, but not during sex. He pleasures me orally and he is willing to do it every time. So if he can give me an orgasm, he makes me happy mentally.

Answer
David writes:

You certainly did the right thing in breaking up with that guy. Please try to stay away from him socially. I don't think it's your job to warn his new girlfriend.

After such a disastrous relationship, it's not surprising that you have some problems with sex, even with a considerate bloke like your new boy friend. What the two of you need to do now is to go together for counselling at a youth clinic - for instance one run by the Brook Advisory service, assuming you both live in Britain.

The fact that you're having orgasms through 'oral' is encouraging. It is also normal for lots of women.

Medicines can sometimes have an effect on sexual function, so please ask your doctor if anything which he is prescribing can do this.

Christine adds:

I think the best thing you can do is to find an organisation like Brook (www.brook.org.uk).

Personally, I feel that although your antidepressant may be interfering with your sexual response, the real problem is your anger towards your ex.

I very much believe that you need to get some help – counselling probably – to deal with this. Once you can put that past relationship truly behind you, I think everything will return to normal.

Yours sincerely

Dr David Delvin, GP, and Christine Webber, sex and relationships expert

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