How do I know if he is really the one for me?

The problem started around three months ago when I began to wonder if he really is 'the one' for me.

I know it sounds bizarre as I've dedicated the past five years to our relationship but these doubts (and the permanent knot in my stomach) are driving me crazy.

I've tried to talk to him about our future and he thinks everything is going absolutely great between us - I don't want to hurt him but I need to know once and for all if my future lies with him.

I've loved him so much for so long but I just don't know how I feel about him anymore and I don't know what to do next. I know I should tell him how I'm feeling, but I can't bear the thought of hurting him.

What should I do? How will I cope without him?

Answer
David writes:

If you have these massive doubts, then it would be crazy to continue as you are.

At all costs, don't embark on plans for a wedding.

Personally I would prescribe some considerable time apart - maybe even in separate countries. After not seeing each other for a while, matters will have become a lot clearer.

Let's see what Christine thinks ...

Christine adds:

I think the problem here may be that you feel you might be 'missing out' in some way. You're only 24 and have been with this guy for five years.

Maybe you don't feel you've lived enough. Or maybe you worry that you haven't known enough men to make a reasoned judgement on whether your boyfriend is perfection, or not.

This unsettled feeling happens a lot nowadays - partly, I suspect, because we women have so many choices. We don't need a man to pay our way, or to give us status - as our grandmothers did. This makes our lives much more complex. Good, usually, but definitely more complicated.

Try making a list of what you would miss if you and your partner split up. Then make a list of what you wouldn't miss. This may help you to understand what is not quite right.

Another thing you could do is to go and discuss your concerns with a professional at Couples Counselling Scotland. (Their number will be in your local phone book.)

Talking this out face to face will help clarify your thoughts. Also, if you have close women friends, talk to them. Ask what they think is right about your relationship and also what is wrong.

Often our friends have all sorts of views they normally keep to themselves, but they can be quite illuminating if we invite them to share them.

The only problem here may be that if one of your friends has always fancied your boyfriend, she may advise you that the relationship has nothing going for it - and when you split up, she'll sneak in and claim him for herself!

Of course you've probably got much better and more loyal friends than that. But these things do happen, alas.

I suppose the main thing here is how to explore your feelings and your doubts without losing the trust and love of this guy - whom you might decide you love and need for ever. This is a tricky situation and I don't envy you.

But on the other hand, as David says, it would be crazy to stay in - or indeed to formalise - this relationship while you are in such a state of anxiety about it. I hope that what we've said will help.

Best wishes

Dr David Delvin, GP, and Christine Webber, sex and relationships expert

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