My boyfriend has walked out on me for the second time

He left a week before Christmas last time and was gone for two weeks and now it is almost three weeks this time that he has been gone.

His reason is that he feels a failure, working away but still not making enough to pay off the bills we have here. The reason the bills had mounted up was because he left just before Christmas last time and I had to run up my credit card, to live off and to pay for Christmas.

We are in a bit of debt, but nothing too bad. A couple of wages down the line and we would have caught up. He was earning good money and was paid weekly, which helped pay things off quicker. He sent me a text from work to tell me he wouldn't be coming back, and since then has mostly ignored me and my daughter.

I feel so hurt and angry with him. I do understand to an extent why he felt the way he did, but can never understand the way he left and the way he has behaved since then.

I do believe that he loves me and I certainly love him. I have told him that once I get a job things will improve on the money front so why couldn't he stick it out.

Do you think I am flogging a dead horse with him?

It hurts so much and I miss him so much! I have never felt about anyone the way I feel about him. He made me feel good about myself, which I hadn't felt for a long time, and my daughter loved having him here too.

Why is he shutting himself away from us? He won't even come and pick his clothes and stuff up, because I think that would be too much pressure for him to handle, having to see the hurt he's caused.

I have told him, if he comes to talk I won't go on about it all. I feel that whether it is over or not, it is unfinished!

I need him to tell me to get lost or to talk and he won't do either!

The only way I have of contacting him is by text and it is driving me mad that he just ignores everything I say. Sometimes he just switches his phone off for a while.

I have told him to tell me to get lost and then I will, but he won't do that. Does that mean he still wants this contact even though he pretends he doesn't?

Or does it mean he really just doesn't care at all and is just leaving me hanging on because it gives him some sick pleasure? I really don't know what to think anymore.

Answer
David writes:

I don't think you should assume that he is 'pretending'. It's clear that at the moment this guy wants out. I suppose he might change his mind, but I wouldn't be betting on it.

Sorry. Let's see what Christine says.

Christine adds:

I think this guy is a bit mixed up. And I do agree that his pride has probably been hurt by the fact that he can't contribute to things financially in the way that he would like to.

Personally, I think he needs some space to think things through. So my best suggestion would be that you find some way of getting a letter to him - perhaps you'll need to text him to suggest where he can pick this up - and you should write saying that you really love him, and you really want him back but that you're now going to cease all contact with him for three months.

If he wants and loves and needs you, he will probably make up his mind to come back during that time. I know it will be tough for you. I know that it feels as if this relationship is unfinished and I agree with you that it is. But I also know that there's little chance he will come to you unless he has some time and space to sort his head out. I hope he comes back. I wish I could promise that he will. But I honestly believe that he won't sort it unless you back off for a while.

Meanwhile, try to have a good three months doing different things. See lots of your friends and so on. Don't sit by the phone. That's the worst thing.

I also suggest you do something about your own self-esteem. You say he has 'made you feel good about yourself'. Well, you should feel good about yourself anyway - because you're a good, loving, decent, generous and warm woman.

Please try our self-esteem test which will help you see how much self-esteem you have - and will give you some advice on how to improve it.

I wish you the very best of luck.

Yours sincerely

Dr David Delvin, GP, and Christine Webber, sex and relationships expert

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