My husband seems to be 'married' to his job

He did all the chasing and now says he's better off single

He doesn't love me, and just wants 'fun'

Why has my partner suddenly gone off our planned marriage and left me?

Question
I have been married for seven years and we have had fertility problems and are at the moment going through egg donation and I am aware that this is stressful – not just for me but also for my husband.

We have been having relationship problems for a long time; he seems to be 'married' to his demanding and very stressful job which includes him going away most weekends.

As a result I have started to carve my own life as I am sick of being second best and being on my own, and I have told my husband that I feel like this. He doesn't want to have sex with me and has not since the beginning of September and - even when he does - he wants to watch porn (I don't mind that but not every time we have sex!).

I just don't know what to do anymore have you got any advice for me?

Answer
David writes:

Oh dear: your marriage is in deep trouble. Frankly, I would advise you not to try and have a child at the moment - when it is clear that you must be teetering on the brink of breaking up.

My best suggestion is that the two of you go to Relate. Their number is in your local phone book. If he won't accompany you, I advise you to go alone.

Christine adds:

I am so sorry that things have got so bad. It sounds very much as though the pressures of the infertility treatment have really got to you both.

Your husband is reacting to this by resorting to porn, which of course is uncomplicated and very much on tap these days.

You are both obviously deeply unhappy about the state of things, and I agree with David that you need some urgent counselling from Relate. I doubt if your husband will agree to go with you – he will probably say he's too busy – but I may be wrong. However, if he won't accompany you, please go alone.

The other alternative is that there may be a counselling service attached to the infertility department that you are attending. It is not uncommon for relationships to suffer greatly when couples are going through treatment. So, have a word with whoever is treating you as they may be able to help you to see a professional counsellor quite quickly.

Very best of luck to you.

Yours sincerely

Dr David Delvin, GP, and Christine Webber, sex and relationships expert

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