My ex-boyfriend wants me back even though he has a girlfriend

Question

My boyfriend of two years dumped me in March this year. He is in the Army and has been in Northern Ireland for the past year which resulted in things not going too well for us.

Every time we spoke we just kept arguing. Anyway, I didn't hear from him for a few months, apart from the occasional text message asking how I was.

In the last couple of months he has kept calling me and telling me he still loves me and wants me back even though he has a girlfriend!

Although he says he wants me back he does absolutely nothing to try and get me back. So the other day I told him that it was probably best if we left it and he got really nasty.

I think that the best thing I can do is cut him off but it's so hard because I still love him. Do you have any advice for me?

Answer

David writes:

What you describe is the end of a relationship. It's a pity that this guy is still bothering you, but in my view it is really over. Does Christine agree? Let's see ...

Christine adds:

I can understand that because you feel you still love this guy, it's hard to resist his phone calls when he says that he wants you back - even though he's got a girlfriend. He sounds very mixed up. But this isn't helping you.

You can neither get over him and move on, nor get back with him. Since he's so muddled, I think you're going to have to be the one with the clear mind. And I think you should stick to your guns to 'cut him off' - hard though it may be. If you tell him that you don't want to hear anything from him for six months - and mean it - then you'll have a chance to get your life straight.

I can assure you that if he and you are really meant to be together, he will dump the other girl and pursue you properly after the six months, if you mean a lot to him.

If you go on as you are, you will not feel better and you will not force him to make a decision. You need to realise that you are worth much more than this kind of treatment.

You don't want someone who argues all the time, or takes up with other partners when the going gets tough. You want someone who'll value you and put you on a pedestal.

It doesn't sound as if he's going to do that. My best suggestion is that you spend the next six months doing stuff for you. Seeing girlfriends, getting out, concentrating on a career move ...whatever. I also think you need to work on your self-esteem, and you could begin on that today by doing the self-esteem test.

Good luck.

Yours sincerely

Dr David Delvin, GP, and Christine Webber, sex and relationships expert

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