Don't know whether I should end my marriage

Question

I found out recently that my husband had an affair. I decided to stay with him, but haven't been able to move on and forget what he did.

I am sure I know who the person was but he denies it. He hides his phone from me and sometimes comes home late saying he is working late.

I want to believe that nothing else is going on but still feel very unsure. He refuses to go to marriage guidance. I'm not sure whether to carry on or to end the marriage.

Answer

David writes:

Well, it doesn't sound very promising, does it?

You've done your best, but your husband is being pretty unhelpful in putting things right.

Your account certainly makes it seem as though he is strangely uncooperative. You say he 'won't go to marriage counselling'. Then I think you must get some help on your own.

In the part of Sussex where you live, there are many good GPs - and a lot of them have a counsellor attached to their surgeries. I would urge you to go and see one of these helpful people and have a few sessions.

Your marriage may be worth saving - especially as you appear to have three children, though I don't know if they are from your current marriage.

Good luck.

Christine adds:

I see from your details that you have had two marriages before this one - and now this one is going very wrong indeed. This is quite alarming in someone who is only 36. I think, as David says, that you need some counselling from your GP's practice.

Another alternative would be for you to go for expert relationship counselling, on your own, with Relate. Their number will be in your local phone book .

I think prior to your first appointment, it would be worth your while looking back to see what has gone wrong in all three of these marriages.

Is your partner always unfaithful to you? Are there difficulties with sex? Do you always pick people who put you down? I think you'll find that there will be a common denominator to all three experiences.

To me, it seems that the most important thing you could do is to build up your own confidence and self-esteem. And, if this marriage doesn't survive, to set aside some time to work on yourself and to resolutely remain single while you do so.

There is also an article called 'How to get over being dumped'. There should be material in this that will help you now. And get that counselling appointment.

Yours sincerely

Dr David Delvin, GP, and Christine Webber, sex and relationships expert

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