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Question

One month ago I ended a five-month relationship with a man, and the agony I am still feeling over it and my inability to let go is making me barely able to function.

My experience the one described in Robin Norwood's book 'Women Who Love Too Much'. The book has been invaluable to me in making me aware of patterns.

I basically chose someone very unsuitable as a partner. He is very emotionally immature as a person and has lots of other problems including depression and obsessive-compulsive disorder. I guess I was attracted to him as I seem to like helping needy people and I felt I could love him into changing.

I became more and more focused on him, whilst he became more and more detached. He preferred to spend time with his friends; I saw him literally once a week on a Sunday night.

Finally I felt so out of control and awful about myself that I confronted him. He said he wasn't in love with me, so we broke up. I've realised that he hadn't felt the same way as me, but was just staying with me out of convenience, and it hurts like hell. I presumed he was feeling something for me!

In hindsight, he might have been using me for sex. He started out loving and kind, but I can see that he feels no emotion for me whatsoever, and when I met up with him recently (one month after the break-up) he asked to resume a casual relationship, by which he meant sex. I refused. I haven't slept with him since the break-up and never would again, now that I know his motives.

He is clearly not interested in me anymore, except for something casual, and this hurts beyond belief. He has even told me how he is looking to meet other girls. I am aware that I was just too nice and all-giving, and no-one wants someone like that.

My problem is that I just can't let go. I tried to cut off contact at one point but I just couldn't go through with it and re-contacted him. I know this sounds excessive, but as in Robin Norwood's book I am wondering if you agree with the term 'relationship addict'.

I know this involvement is not good for me, yet I don't know how to ask him not to contact me. I have only met up with him once since the break up and that was three days ago, when he asked me about having the casual relationship.

My addiction to relationships that have nothing to offer me is getting me down so much. I know it is myself I need to change, but how do I go about that?

Answer

David writes:

Robin Norwood's book is brilliant, and I'd strongly recommend it to any woman who keeps picking unsuitable guys.

As regards the 'casual request for sex'. I'm afraid that this is a thing that a lot of blokes do. For many males, it seems perfectly reasonable to ask a woman for totally non-committed sex. I beg you to have nothing to do with this idea. It will only lead to more hurt for you.

In fact, I urge you to get this guy out of your life. Let's see what Christine says.

Christine adds:

First of all I want to applaud you - and I want you to give yourself a big mental pat on the back - for refusing the casual sex offer. For someone like you, I know this has taken courage. So, well done. And try not to give up your resolve on this.

I too think that Robin Norwood's book is excellent. And I'm glad it's been useful. But I don't think it's particularly helpful to get hung up on phrases like 'relationship addict'. Instead, I think you need to get some help to see why you act as you do and to then change your thoughts and your behaviour.

You say at the beginning that you were attracted to this man as you seem to like helping needy people. This is a tendency in yourself that would be best avoided in future. For a start, many needy people are not prepared to change. I'm sure, that with your good intentions, you thought that you could make a vast difference to this man's life, that you could give him love and security.

This intention will strike a chord with many people. Unfortunately, many people with emotional difficulties don't change much. All they do is drain you so that such self-esteem as you had (which may not have been very much in the first place) plummets.

So, the first priority here is that you should see yourself as much more valuable, someone who is entitled to a man who is OK and not just to men who are damaged. You are a person who is entitled to love and to an equal relationship. But you won't attract the right kind of guy until you truly believe that - and until you love and value yourself.

So, what can you do? Much depends on finance. If you have the funds to spare, I believe that the best course of action for you would be some cognitive behaviour therapy. However, I don't think your problem is so acute that you'll be able to get this on the NHS. So you'd need to pay for it yourself. And it's likely to cost you between £45 and £100 per session.

Having said that, you might find that you start thinking more healthily and start feeling much better in less than six months - so this could be an investment that could change your life. If you want to consider this kind of treatment, take a look at the website for the British Association for Behavioural and Cognitive Psychotherapies (www.babcp.com).

Another type of therapy that could also help is the sort you can get from Relate. This is low-cost, relationship therapy. In fact, your fees will be calculated according to what you earn. Relate has branches everywhere.

I don't honestly know of any support group that would help. But I think if you share what's happened to you with your girlfriends, you'll find that many of them have had similar experiences. And at the moment, I think you need the company and support of girlfriends. If by any chance you don't have too many friends nearby, then it would make exceedingly good sense to work at enlarging your circle of pals.

Finally, I would like to recommend a book to you. 'Loving Yourself, Loving Another' by Julia Cole, published by Vermilion. Julia has worked with Relate for many years and she is about the most sensible and kind person I've ever met. Her advice is invaluable.

I do hope all this advice will help you. This is a horrid time for you, but if you use it productively, you will never suffer in this way, ever again.

Yours sincerely

Dr David Delvin, GP, and Christine Webber, sex and relationships expert

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