I am 35 and fear that I have wasted my life saving my virginity

Question
I am 35 years old and unable to form a relationship with a woman. It all stems from my first relationship which ended over 11 years ago. My first relationship started off well but fell apart after a couple of years.

We didn't live together. She lived in Germany and I live in England.

The problem was that I found out that she was not a virgin and I couldn't cope with the fact that she had had previous sexual relations with someone.

We didn't have intercourse together, but she used to masturbate me. I don't know if I was envious of the fact that she had had so much sex before she met me or because she destroyed my idea of marrying a virgin. Since then I have never been able to form a relationship with a woman. (I am also still a virgin - but that fact doesn't bother me.).

Now that I know she is not a virgin I get very distressed, can't sleep, feel sick ........ just feel awful and always stop the relationship developing.

How can I overcome this emotional pain. I try to rationalise in my own head that I know people start sex early nowadays and that I am unlikely to find a virgin at my age, but it doesn't help me from feeling so distressed. It is destroying my life and I fear that I will never be able to have a relationship again. I also fear that I have wasted so many years, saving my own virginity, when instead I should have been out there enjoying life. Is there anything that I can do ?

Answer
David writes:

To be a 35 year old male virgin is indeed very, very rare in the UK these days. And as you rightly say, you are not likely to find it easy to locate a female virgin of your own age - at least, in the UK.

It's quite obvious that all this distress which you are suffering is indicative of an illness. So I think that you really should get yourself some psychotherapy to help you get rid of all this pain.

One final thought: although virgins are now so rare in this country, there are plenty of other nations where that isn't the case - and where most unmarried people are virgins. So in the long run, perhaps you'll end up with an overseas bride.

Christine adds:

Yes I do agree that you need some professional psychotherapy/counselling. You can ask your GP about this. Or you can consider something in the private sector: a therapist who is a member of the British Association for Sexual and Relationship Therapy would be a good bet.

On this site, there's an article called 'Who to contact for sex therapy'.

I do realise how stressed and upset you are about all of this, but there's not much you can do about the past, and there's little point therefore in dwelling on what might have been. However, if you get some help now, the next year may easily become the best and most exciting year of your life.

Very best wishes to you.

Dr David Delvin, GP, and Christine Webber, sex and relationships expert