Should I seek counselling for my relationship problems?
Other Qs & As
I'm a gay/bi male who has been in a relationship for nearly two years now.
I have recently found out that my boyfriend has been lying to me constantly, and that he had a one-night stand just over a week ago. We have had fundamental problems and we agreed he should move out – but that we should stay together.
I said I had a problem trusting him, as things had been shaky and he needed to help me build on it.
He said I could always trust him. When I confronted him with all his recent lies he lied again, but then he eventually gave in and admitted the one-night stand. Actually, he admitted that he had stopped at this other man's house but did nothing with him. However, I just think if he's lied to me before then there's nothing to stop him lying now.
All this has given me thoughts of suicide . I've tried speaking to my doctor to get counselling, but he refused. He just said that I should get out and make more of a social life for myself.
Answer
David writes:
I find it hard to understand why your GP refused to arrange counselling for you.
However, even today, there are some doctors who just don't believe in it.
Or maybe your doctor just didn't know where to find a counsellor. In some areas of the country, they're still very thin on the ground.
If you've really been considering suicide (and I beg you not to do it), then you clearly need treatment with antidepressants. You also need to see a doctor at least once a week for the moment.
As regards the relationship, I'm sorry to say that it sounds to me like it is over. Let's see what Christine says.
Christine adds:
I think the problem in the relationship is that you put huge value on trust. And now you don't feel you can trust your boyfriend. It's hard to get that back. I think if he'd been honest with you, all this would have been more straightforward in that you would have forgiven him - or not - and moved on. What's upsetting you is that you feel that if you're faithful and honest to someone, then they should be too. And sometimes people aren't. I do believe that counseling would help.
As you're only 20, a good place to go would be the Brook Advisory Service for Young People. They deal with all kinds of sex and relationships problems. To find out the nearest branch to you, call their helpline on 08000 185023. I think Brook would be the best people, but if you want some help that is more specifically geared to your orientation, you could ring the London Gay and Lesbian Switchboard on 020 7837 7324 and see what they can suggest for you.They are currently having to deal with a massive number of calls – partly from silly hoaxers. So you may have to be patient till you can get through to a counsellor.
I also think it would be a good idea for you to look at your self-esteem and try our self-esteem test, which may show up some areas where you're lacking in belief in yourself - and you'll find there's some advice there that should help you.
Finally, if you're feeling very low, please remember that the Samaritans are there for you 24 hours a day every day. Call: 08457 909090.
Good luck.
Dr David Delvin, GP, and Christine Webber, sex and relationships expert
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