I'm 27 and have never had a sexual relationship

Although I have several good friends and am considered a nice person, I feel depressed and unhappy and feel as if my life is leading towards becoming more lonely. I would dearly love to change but feel constricted and set in my ways so that I naturally avoid seeking the one thing I would love to have.

I have a few female friends, but I perhaps take this sex thing too seriously and have lacked any real confidence to get anywhere. Now at the age I am, I feel too inexperienced and used to being on my own.

I feel ashamed at being in my position and have got to the stage when I will avoid situations with friends or at work where the subject of relationships come up. In this way I never make any connections with new people and am considered distant and secretive by my workmates.

I feel that if they knew the truth about me they would mock me and I would be in a much worse position than if I had kept the status quo.

I do not feel any woman would be even remotely interested in such a person. I know I should not wallow in self pity and often I am happy with friends, but this feels like a shadow constantly drawing me apart from people.

Answer
David writes:

Oh dear, I'm so sorry to hear about this. You've got to sort things out before you become 'locked' into this situation for life. Your idea that 'no woman would be even remotely interested' in you strikes me as wildly unlikely to be true - but we'll see what a woman (Christine) says in a minute.

As far as sex is concerned, you haven't given us much information. Please check your answers to these questions:

If the answers to all these questions is 'No', then it's probable that you don't have a very high sex drive. That wouldn't mean you're abnormal: just that sex isn't a top priority for you.

Good luck.

Christine adds:

Obviously you are quite miserable about this state of affairs, so I suggest you tackle it in a number of ways.

First or all, I think you could use some counselling. The easiest and cheapest way of getting this is through Relate. Although Relate was principally formed to tackle marriage problems, nowadays it is an agency that helps people of all kinds - single people, gay people, you name it. So I think a few sessions with an experienced Relate counsellor could help.

I am also a bit concerned about the critical feelings you have about yourself. I don't know if you would be in a financial position to consider this, but I personally think you could be helped enormously by a short course of cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT). (It is just possible that you could persuade your GP to refer you for this kind of help on the NHS, but much would depend on whether he or she considered that your problems were stopping you from leading a normal life.)

CBT is a type of therapy that helps people to rethink and challenge their negative thoughts: thoughts which in turn generate unhappy or stressful emotions. If you're interested in knowing more, do take a look at the website of the British Association for Behavioural and Cognitive Psychotherapies www.babcp.org.

So, what next?

I'd also like to suggest you consider Internet dating. To me this seems an ideal way for you to enlarge your circle of friends. Clearly you're not meeting the right women at, or through, work. And though you have good friends, you're not finding romance among them either.

If you go to a reputable site you'll find that there are lots of young people - and some who're not so young - seeking relationships. Most of these men and women are on these sites for the same reason as you would be: they're seeking a partner, and they're not having much luck in finding him or her within their current social circle.

The great thing about this kind of approach is that you can begin by 'chatting' and this is very good for a shy person who isn't very skilled at picking up people, or at making an instantly good impression at parties, or in wine bars etc.

I think it's great that you've decided to tackle this problem. That's the hard part. The fact is that you can effect change: change that will improve your life immeasurably - and lots of it should be fun!

Best wishes

Dr David Delvin, GP, and Christine Webber, Sex and Relationships Expert

The documents contained in this web site are presented for information purposes only. The material is in no way intended to replace professional medical care or attention by a qualified practitioner. The materials in this web site cannot and should not be used as a basis for diagnosis or choice of treatment. Conditions for use

© Copyright 1998 - 2008 NetDoctor.co.uk - All rights reserved