I don't want to have a life full of regret

I have been unhappy for quite a few years but I'm scared to leave. I told him that I wanted to leave him three years ago and he threatened to kill himself, so I stayed.

Also my parents are quite old and not in the best of health and I'm worried that it would make them ill if I left. I'm unhappy in the relationship because I feel like he always has to have his own way - he will sulk if I don't agree with him and he has stopped me from doing so many things that I've wanted to do by going into a mood with me and by refusing to talk to me.

I don't like arguments and prefer to give in to him to stop the ill feeling. Before I threatened to leave him, he would come in from work after having a bad day and he would either refuse to speak to me or pick on me for something that he felt I should have done.

He is a lot better now but still goes funny with me on occasion. I have never spoken to anyone about how he is with me or how unhappy I am because I'm aware of how pathetic it sounds, but I'm just scared.

He is a nice man most of the time and I know that he would never cheat on me and he gives me the security that I am so afraid of losing if I leave. But I'm not happy and I know that he must know this.

I keep making excuses why I shouldn't leave like the fact that we have a dog who is old and ill and I would feel terrible if he died and I wasn't there for him. But I'm nearly 30 now and I don't want to have a life full of regret.

Answer

David writes:

I entirely agree with you. You're entitled to a decent life and you certainly haven't got it at the moment. There seem to be to be two alternatives if you are to have a happy future. They are:

Let's see what Christine says.

Christine adds:

Three years ago, you indicated that you wanted to leave. Your husband then did his ' I'll kill myself if you go' number. And you stayed.

My feeling is that if he had been a rather more generous or sensible guy he would have done everything in his power to change his behaviour, so as to keep you and to make you happier. Did he? Well, you say things are a bit better. But clearly they're not better enough. So he had his chance, but he blew it - or just couldn't be bothered. Of course security matters a lot, but it doesn't make up for everything.

My best advice to you is to build up your own self-esteem and to plan for a future on your own - unless things start improving rapidly.

Like David I think that some relationship counselling would be worth a try. And if you can get your husband to see that you both need this, then I think your marriage could survive. I suggest you go to Relate and see what they say. If he won't go with you, I strongly urge you to go alone. It would help you a great deal to talk about your relationship with an expert - and to explore with this expert just what is normal and what is liveable with.

If you come to the conclusion that the marriage can't be saved, then you can start planning to end it. In order to do this, you need to think about money. There is no way that you should walk out of the house with no financial backing. What could you expect to get from a divorce settlement? What joint assets do you have? If you need help with this, have a word with someone at the Citizens' Advice Bureau.

Then you need to consider your career. Do you work? Are you in a dead end job? Could you do something much more interesting? If so, have a word at your local Job Centre about training for women.

What about your self esteem? It sounds to me as though you're staying in this relationship because you're terrified of what life would be like on your own. This is understandable after all these years. And yet it might be much better - and you might find a wonderful sense of security within yourself if you left. And to feel in control of yourself is a great feeling. It means that you're OK. It also means that if you meet someone else, they will be the icing on the cake, and not a vital ingredient for your survival. Do you see?

I'd like to suggest that you read the article on self-esteem - and you'll find there's lots of food for thought in it.

Your last sentence tells me that your mind is nearly made up to end the marriage. But try and save it first - and then if you can't, you'll end it knowing you gave it your best shot.

You are right, by the way, that you should not have a life of regret. This is not a dress rehearsal. It's the performance!

Good luck!

Yours sincerely

Dr David Delvin, GP and Christine Webber, Sex and Relationships Expert

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