Afraid of being alone

Question

I'm very lonely. I moved to Denmark 18 months ago to study medicine. I leaft my job and all my friends of the last 20 years. I went there partly because I could get a grant and study for free in Denmark, and partly because I'd never got into medical school in England.

In the first year I studied all the time and spent most of the rest of my time mailing my friends in London, visiting them or having them over.

Last summer I went on a training course for a group of medics who give sex education in schools and met my boyfriend. We became close very quickly and by the time we were saying 'I love you', we were also talking about kids, marriage.

He can be incredibly sweet and caring; I know he wants to do everything for me. At the same time, he's incredibly dominating and selfish he gets his way with everything through sulks, arguments, being hurt. He just does not listen or understanding to what I say. He's very good at admitting he was wrong and saying sorry, but then nothing ever changes

The fault is also mine because I'm so yielding; smile all the time, never mind anything. I always back him up and support him.

The relationship has given me a huge amount of support and love. He adores me and thinks I'm wonderful. He needs me all the time and can't go to sleep without me being there. He praises me extravagantly for all the extravagant things I do for him - he gives my life meaning and content.

But at the same time the bubble has burst, I've realised he doesn't treat me well enough; he's not fair, he's unthoughtful, often unkind, egotistical and demanding. He feels threatened by any independence or requirements I have. But how can I cope without him?

I had a horrible childhood, we lived miles from anyone, in the woods, so I had no (human) friends, my mother dislikes me and my stepfather just thinks I am odd. You'd think I'd be used to being alone, but I just crumple at the thought of it; I was always unhappy.

I have friends here now, but I tried to split up with my boyfriend and I couldn't talk to anyone, I walked round like a ghost, on the verge of tears all the time, couldn't think, could barely do anything; my lecturers sounded like they were talking from the bottom of a bathtub.

I dissolved into tears the other day at work (nurse's assistant at the hospital) and I couldn't even claim it was hay fever, it's winter.

I couldn't call my friends and I ended up calling him and saying; 'let's give it another go'.

But it's all wrong. I love books, he never reads. I love the outdoors, he watches TV. I love discussions, talking, politics, history, he just says I think too much. I'm quite left wing, he's apolitical/quite conservative. I'm easy-going, he argues all the time with his housemate about one fork left on the kitchen surfaces or who cleaned the loo last.

But he´s mine, and I feel like I'll die if I'm ever that alone again. I know what I should do, it's not fair to him either what I'm doing - but where on earth can I find the strength?

Answer

David writes:

This relationship sounds completely wrong for you. You describe this guy as (and I quote) incredibly dominating and selfish; always getting his own way; sulky; not treating you well enough; not fair; unthoughtful; unkind; egotistical; demanding; threatened by your independence; totally different from you in leisure interests and politics - and argumentative where you are easy going.

Need I say more?

Christine adds:

David is so right. In fact I'm quite sure that were it not for the fact that you are miserable and afraid of being alone, you would already have finished this relationship for good.

You must be a very bright woman if you're studying medicine so I think it's time to apply your intelligence to yourself.

I hope you can understand that we all need to find our core of happiness within ourselves. If we expect this happiness to come from outside events or people we are invariably disappointed.

Can I suggest you look at my article on self-esteem, I'm sure that reading this will help you.

Can I also suggest you get hold of a copy of my book: 'Get the happiness habit' (published by Hodder). I don't often recommend my own stuff on the site, but if anyone needs to read this book, it's you!

The other thing is that I feel you could benefit from some counselling. It may well be that you can get this for yourself as you must know the medical scene in Denmark quite well.

I do hope you'll take these steps to help yourself, and that your life and your mood will improve dramatically as a result.

Best wishes.

Yours sincerely

Dr David Delvin, GP and Christine Webber, Sex and Relationships Expert

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