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Question

I'm 20 and have been with my boyfriend for eight months. Recently I have felt our relationship had changed; he is less emotionally involved, and has gone from wanting sex (I am a virgin) to going off the idea completely.

The alarm bells started ringing for me, so I sat him down and talked to him. He said he thought nothing had changed and that his exams and his difficult living arrangements were making the problem worse. He also says he is confused about our relationship, but said he couldn't expand on that because he wasn't even sure what he was confused about.

Now I'm paranoid, because everything he says I think about too much, I worry about the outcome of our discussions, I get really jealous and have started to come across as needy.

I feel like this is an obsession that is out of control. He knows I worry about our commitment to each other, I want it to last forever, and he has even talked about us and having children, but he only lives for today and doesn't want to discus our future.

I can't stop thinking the worse and this is making me really unhappy. I want to be less obsessive about it, but feel so overwhelmed.

Answer

I'm afraid that I think you and your boyfriend probably have very different expectations of this relationship. I see from your email that you are still a virgin. I assume this is because you feel strongly about keeping your virginity for marriage. This is a laudable ambition – and if it matters to you then you should definitely stick to your guns.

However, I cannot pretend that a young man would find it easy to cope with such a situation in this day and age when everyone else appears to be having full sex - and plenty of it.

If by chance, by the way, your virginity is not a matter of religious or moral conviction, but is actually the result of fear of intercourse then I suggest you see a woman doctor at your local Family Planning Clinic to discuss this. Or you could call the Brook Advisory Service For Young People on: 08000 185023.

To come back to your relationship - apart from your boyfriend not being able to have full sex with you, I suspect that he feels far, far too young to settle down. You, on the other hand, would like nothing better than to plan a committed future.

My advice to you is to cool this. Your neediness and obsession about this shows that you have little faith in yourself and your own resources. But you cannot – and must not – expect that all your needs will be met by being attached to someone else. If you go through life believing this, you will constantly be disappointed.

My advice to you is to seek some counselling from Brook - whether or not your virginity is a big issue - and also to devote six months to building your own self-esteem. When you feel more complete and happy as a person, you will realise that you have a long life ahead of you and that settling down at the very young age of 20 would be crazy.

I also suggest you do and then follow the advice given for your particular rating.

I also strongly suggest you ask at your local library for details of a self-assertiveness class in your area. I'm quite convinced that if you were to enrol in such a class, you would begin to feel much more complete as a person - and then many of your other problems would sort themselves out.

Best wishes.

Yours sincerely

Christine Webber, sex and relationship expert

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