Strange fantasies when masturbating

Will he cheat if I don't act out his fantasies?

Question
I'm a gay male. My ex and I are trying to sort out his problems with sexual fantasies when masturbating.

For as long as he can remember, he has fantasised about having sex with his father. I admitted I'd never known anyone who's done that . I would like to help him.

Who could he can speak to, in order to put his mind at rest? This really is a genuine concern for him and he seems really distressed by his admission to me.

Answer
David writes:

It's good that you want to help your ex-lover.

I don't think I've ever encountered a guy who fantasises about his father while masturbating. (Women sometimes involuntarily fantasise about their fathers - but that's another story.)

If he is distressed by this fantasy then I think he ought to seek some counselling with an analytic basis. I say 'analytic' because the problem so obviously involves his relationship with his dad. If he could find a suitable gay counselling service with whom to chat, that would be good.

If neither of you has any idea how to find such a service, I suggest you begin by ringing the main 24-hour Gay and Lesbian Switchboard on: 020 7837 7324.

Christine adds:

All sorts of things get stirred up in our fantasies - and many of them we wouldn't reveal in polite company!

As David has said, sometimes women involuntarily fantasise about having sex with their fathers. So I suppose it's not that completely odd for a gay man to have similar fantasies – as his father represents the gender of desire and choice.

Also, many gay men have had serious problems with their fathers. Often their dads have been overbearing or critical or disappointed that their sons haven't turned out 'more manly'.

In a fantasy, it's possible that your ex feels he is getting the upper hand over his dad. Maybe in the fantasy he is in complete control not only of his own feelings and excitement but also able to dominate his father. Perhaps this therefore gives him some sort of buzz, but it may be that it's more about power than sex.

However, the important thing here is that your ex is obviously troubled about this. And an even more important factor may be if the father is adversely affecting him in real life.

Is your friend having trouble with his dad? Is his father unkind, or difficult? Does your ex seem to have real hang-ups about his dad? If so, it's doubly important for him to see someone to discuss these feelings. And when he does get help with his real problems or relationship with his father, then the sexual fantasies may simply disappear.

So try to reassure him not to worry about this – but to take it seriously enough to get some counselling.

If he has a sympathetic GP he could ask him/her about the prospects of counselling.

Or he could ring the switchboard number as David suggests. If he is 25 or under, he's also entitled to ring the Brook helpline – and though that is a counselling service for all young people – and probably rather more biased towards hetero than homosexual problems – they are most helpful and unshockable. He can ring them on: 08000 185023.

Best wishes.

Yours sincerely

Dr David Delvin, GP and Christine Webber, sex and relationships expert

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