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Question

I have been married for 10 years now. Sex has always been a problem. My wife always seemed to have a very low libido. Sex took place on average every 6 to 8 weeks. She initially just wasn't interested but in later years has blamed the contraceptive Pill.

Apart from this our relationship is good, loving and caring but based on companionship rather than intimacy and passion.

In December last year my wife became pregnant, and we were both thrilled. After conception sex stopped completely.

Throughout my whole marriage I had been completely faithful to my wife despite our mismatched libidos. Then in August last year I met another girl. Similar age, very outgoing and widowed the previous year. We just connected immediately and the physical chemistry was too much to resist. We started an affair despite her initial rebuttals – because I'm married. The relationship developed.

My baby boy was born in September; he is an angel and I love him very much, but even this could not hold us back and I left the marital home when he was two weeks old to live with my new partner.

Over the last year the turbulent relationship with my new partner has developed and we believe that we are 'soul-mates'. It has been turbulent mainly because of our circumstances and the fact that I have to divide my time so much between her, my son and a demanding career. The sex is still incredible. I see my son every weekend and the bond grows deeper each week.

My wife says she has forgiven what I have done and desperately wants me to come home. Partly because of my guilt, I have reconsidered my actions and have ended up unsure what to do. At this point it seems like I could almost take either path.

My new partner offers me a passion and intimacy that I have craved for years and that I know my wife is not capable off. However, going back to my wife offers stability, financial security and the chance to be a proper father. I do fear the prospect of losing my son.

I love both women in my life and really don't want to make a mistake at this juncture. My family and friends are divided in their opinions over what I should do. Last week I slipped into a depression and even felt suicidal for a few days.

Answer

David writes:

I'm sorry to hear you've been so depressed. Please try and resist these suicidal thoughts. I am appalled to see from the personal details you supplied with your question that you're not on any therapy for your depression. You should go to your GP this week, so that he or she can give you some treatment for it. This is urgent!

As to your 'two women - one baby' problem, my advice to you is don't rush things – particularly at a time when you are depressed. My clinical experience has been that when a couple have 'mismatched libidos' their future together is unlikely to be good. But I don't think you should even consider choosing between these two ladies until you're in a far better mental state.

Good luck.

Christine adds:

I agree with everything David has said. I just wanted to add that the Samaritans are always there for you – 24 hours a day every day - so if you're feeling particularly down do call them on 08457 909090.

I also think it might be helpful to suggest you should live for a while with a friend, parent, sibling – or even on your own, rather than with your new partner or your wife and son. You need time and space to get your head straight and to get over your depressed feelings. If you're with neither partner you'll find it easier to think.

Treat yourself carefully. You are not a bad guy. You didn't wish this situation on yourself. So be kind to yourself and the right answer – painful though it will be for somebody - will emerge.

Yours sincerely

Dr David Delvin, GP, and Christine Webber, sex and relationships expert

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