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Discussing erectile dysfunction (ED) with your partner

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Discussing erectile dysfunction (ED) with your partner

Written by Dr David Delvin, GP and family planning specialist and Christine Webber, psychotherapist and lifecoach

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Do you think you're developing erectile dysfunction (impotence)? Presumably you are worried, because otherwise you wouldn't be reading this factsheet.

Though we use words like wife, which are appropriate to heterosexual couples, the advice we give is equally applicable to gay couples.

If a gay guy develops erection problems, he too needs to talk to his partner. Failure to communicate will only lead to trouble.

What happens if you don't talk to your partner?

From long experience, we can tell you that if a man doesn't talk to his partner about his difficulties, the results can be disastrous.

Why? Well, for a start, let's look at the likely effects on your partner.

She will almost certainly feel puzzled and confused by the fact that her man doesn't seem to want to have sex with her.

She may well feel scorned.

She may think that she is no longer attractive.

She may think there is something repulsive about her body.

Very frequently, she'll assume that her man has found another woman and is having an affair.

Sometimes she assumes that he is so sexually exhausted by this 'affair', he no longer has any energy to make love to her.

Some women who are convinced their man is being unfaithful decide to 'retaliate' by starting affairs of their own.

Occasionally, a female partner decides that her husband has become gay.

Sometimes, she decides that she wants a divorce.

So you can see that failing to take your partner into your confidence can be very distressing for her - and can have a very bad effect on your relationship.

You need your partner's help

Another reason why you should talk to your partner about your problem is this. You need her help, for several reasons.

Firstly, it's good to have your partner's emotional support. It is very important to know that the person who you love, and who loves you, is on your side in dealing with this difficulty. Now there will be two people fighting this battle.

Your partner can help you to get erections. Various forms of stimulation by a woman can help a man get a hard-on when otherwise he wouldn't manage it. Such help could include stimulation with the hands, the breasts or the mouth. Simply sucking on a penis will often give it an erection when all else fails.

Your wife can accompany you when you go to see a doctor. Virtually all experts agree that in cases of erectile dysfunction (ED), the outlook for the man is generally better if his partner can come to the consultation with him, and support him.

How can you tell your partner?

Often there is no problem about telling your partner, because she has already noticed it. Frequently, the man needs to explain the situation to his wife/girlfriend, yet doesn't know how, or what words to use. Good opening phrases include:

'There's something I need to talk to you about.'

'I've been having a bit of trouble with my personal parts/intimate bits/wedding tackle/sex organs.' Use whichever phrase feels comfortable for you.

'The fact is that during the last few days/weeks/months, I haven't been able to get an erection/get it up/make love.'

'I'm going to do something about it - and I'd very much like your help.'

Reassuring your partner

It's very, very important to reassure your partner that:

you still love her

you still find her very attractive

the problem is not connected with her in any way

there's no suggestion that you would prefer somebody else

the problem can be successfully treated these days by medication and other means

you are determined to get it treated.

What should you do if there are strains in your relationship?

There's no doubt that erectile dysfunction puts a big strain on many relationships. Either partner or both may start showing signs of stress. When this happens, it's important that the two of you seek help.

Don't try and muddle through alone. Ask your GP about the possibility of some helpful counselling.

If matters are bad, it is well worth talking to Relate - a support organisation with a great track record in helping couples whose relationship is affected by ED. If you live north of the border, the equivalent organisation is Couple Counselling Scotland.

Look in any phone book for the nearest branch of either of these organisations. Both offer experienced, low-cost counselling. The fees they charge are calculated according to your means, so don't let anxiety about money stand in the way of getting good support.

Further help can be obtained from the organisation called The Sexual Dysfunction Association (formerly known as The Impotence Association). Its helpline is: 0870 7743571.

Summing up

If you're running into difficulties with erections, the worst thing you can do is bottle it up.

Whatever you do, make sure you talk to a doctor as well as your partner.

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