Self-esteem
Written by Christine Webber, psychotherapist and lifecoach
What is self-esteem?
We all use the expression 'self-esteem', but what do we mean by it?
Some people think that self-esteem means confidence - and of course confidence comes into it - but it's rather more than that.
The fact is that there are any number of apparently confident people who can do marvellous things but who have poor self-esteem. Many people in the public eye fall into this category. Actors and comedians and singers in particular can seem to glow with assurance 'on stage', and yet off-stage many of them feel desperately insecure.
Indeed, individuals can be stunningly attractive and world-famous, and seem poised and perfect - yet still, deep down, find it hard to value themselves. Think of the late Princess of Wales and Marilyn Monroe and you'll accept, I think, that public adulation is no guarantee of self-belief.
So, if self-esteem isn't quite the same thing as confidence, what is it?
Well, the word 'esteem' comes from a Latin word which means 'to estimate'. So, self-esteem is how you estimate yourself.
To do that you need to ask yourself certain questions:
- Do I like myself?
- Do I think I'm a good human being?
- Am I someone deserving of love?
- Do I deserve happiness?
- Do I really feel - both in my mind and deep in my guts - that I'm an OK person?
People with low self-esteem find it hard to answer 'yes' to these questions. Perhaps you are one of them. If so, what can you do?
How can you improve your self-esteem?
You can begin by accepting that you are certainly not alone. Masses of people have this problem.
Secondly, you can take on board a very important fact, which is that you are a wonderful, individual and special person - and there is no one quite like you. Your fingerprints and your DNA are totally different from everybody else's - unless you happen to have an identical twin. And your mind - and how it thinks and operates - is absolutely your own. This means that out of six billion people in the world, you are a one-off. So if nature has bothered to make you utterly unique, don't you feel that you should accept that you're important, and that you have as much right as anyone else to be on this planet?
You have other rights too. One of them is the right to make mistakes. Don't forget that 'to err is human' and most of us do much of our learning through getting things wrong before we get them right.
Furthermore, we have the right to respect ourselves - and to be respected: this is very important. And finally - and perhaps most vitally of all - we have the right to say 'yes' or 'no' for ourselves.
Many people with poor self-esteem think that they're not very important and that their views carry no weight.
Is this you? If so, try to stop these destructive thoughts; because if you go around believing them, you'll encourage other people to believe them too.
Instead, start thinking of yourself - with your individual DNA, fingerprints and mind - as someone who has rights and opinions and ideas that are just as valid as anyone else's. . This will help you to improve your 'self-estimation'.
Techniques to improve self-esteem
10-minute technique
People with poor self-esteem often fail to give themselves enough time and space. So find 10 minutes every day to be alone and to just sit and do nothing. Some people find it helpful to close their eyes and imagine a country scene or the sight and sound of waves gently lapping against the seashore. During this 10 minutes, allow yourself to feel peaceful and happy. Enjoy this time. It is yours - and yours alone. And you deserve it.
Finding 10 minutes for you is a caring thing to do and you will feel better for doing it.
Accentuate the positive
Often we make ourselves unhappy because we go over and over mistakes that we have made. But we can feel happier, and improve our self-esteem, if we re-think those things we believe we have done wrong or badly.
For example, one of my clients has to give presentations at work. He used to mentally beat himself up after every one. He would go over and over tiny errors in his mind. Now he writes an account of each presentation shortly after he' s given it. And I have encouraged him to write about all the things that went well - not badly. He doesn't need to write about the bad things - they will stick in his memory and he will try hard not to repeat them. But he will forget the good things - unless he writes them down.
So when you have a bad day, or something goes wrong in your relationship or at work, write an account of what went right with that episode, not what went wrong. The results will surprise you - and improve how you see yourself.
List 50 things you like about yourself
If you're seriously lacking in self-esteem this could take weeks! But persevere.
You can write down your characteristics, or things about your looks. You can even write down things that you do that you happen to like about yourself. For example, you may buy a copy of The Big Issue on a day when you're feeling particularly short of money yourself, or you may help an elderly woman in the supermarket sort out how much her groceries are going to cost, even though you're rushing to get your own shopping done in your lunch hour.
When you have reached your 50 good things, keep the list somewhere you can see it all the time.
Next comes an even harder part. Try to record one more, new thing you like about yourself every day for the rest of your life!
Getting and giving criticism
One of the areas that people with low self-esteem have greatest difficulty with is criticism - giving as well as receiving it. Both can be extraordinarily difficult.
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