Empty-nest syndrome

Written by Christine Webber, psychotherapist and lifecoach and Dr David Delvin, GP and family planning specialist



Empty-nest syndrome is the name given to a psychological condition that can affect a woman around the time that one or more of her children leave home.

It's not a term you'll find in many medical text books, but it has become a useful phrase for encapsulating the feelings of sadness and loss that many women experience when their children no longer live with them or need day-to-day care.

It's most common in autumn, when vast numbers of teenagers have just left home for college or university.

It can also happen when a child gets married, because matrimony is a clear signal that Mum is no longer needed in the same way she once was.

Normal reactions

It's natural for a mother to feel some sadness when her child leaves home.

It is quite normal to have a little weep now and again – or even go into the absent child's bedroom and sit there for a bit in an attempt to feel closer to him or her.

We know of a successful, busy and confident woman - an agony aunt, in fact - who admitted she went into her son's bedroom to sniff his T-shirt shortly after he left to go to university for the first time.

So don't be ashamed of your feelings - they are natural.

More troubling reactions

But if you experience any of the following severe symptoms, you should seek professional help - especially if they go on for longer than a week.

You feel your useful life has ended.

You are crying excessively.

You're so sad you don't want to mix with friends or go to work.

In this kind of situation, what seems to happen is that the child's departure unleashes seriously depressed feelings, and these very definitely need treating.

If you know that your sadness is overwhelming you, do go and discuss your feelings with your GP as soon as possible.

You almost certainly could use some counselling to get your feelings into perspective, and you may need antidepressants.

A time of change

When a woman is at the stage in life where her kids are leaving, she may also be going through other major changes, such as dealing with the menopause or trying to cope with increasingly dependent elderly parents.

It can be a difficult time, and it's no disgrace if you need help of various kinds to get through it.

If menopausal symptoms are badly affecting you, and they seem worse because of your kids leaving home, see your GP who should be able to help.

You might also be interested in the work of the Natural Health Advisory Service or of the organisation called the Amarant Trust, which is devoted to improving the lot of women who are having difficulties with the menopause.

Your child's needs versus your needs

When your child leaves home, you'll obviously want to keep in touch with him or her. But don't try and do this excessively.

Be sensitive to the fact that your son or daughter is trying to take a big, significant step in life - which isn't actually much to do with you.

Your offspring will need your support, but will not want to feel swamped. And the more you cling or show that you're upset, the less likelihood there is of him or her contacting you.

Ration your calls to no more than two a week. Also, try texting or using email instead of phoning. You'll be able to put your feelings succinctly without getting too emotional.

This form of communication will probably suit your child better, too. It's much easier for a young person to say 'I really miss you' in a message rather than on the phone, when other students might be listening.

If your child is having a miserable time at university or college, do resist the impulse to be pleased about this! And don't suggest that he or she gives up and comes home.

Plenty of teenagers are very miserable and lonely for a couple of weeks, but they deal with it. And that is a great accomplishment.

So be supportive, but don't sort everything for them - and certainly don't try to bring them back home.

Tips to ease empty-nest syndrome

At the same time as being sensitive to your child's needs, you need some help and support for your feelings.

Lean on your friends. Maybe some of them are going through the same thing or have already gone through it.

Be kind to yourself and think of some treats - for example, you could have a long lie in a scented bath. You may even come to see that although you've lost a teenager, you've gained a bathroom!

Then you can do some practical things to help you feel better:

buy some credit for your son's or daughter's mobile phone or a voucher to help with book costs

try to agree a time once a week when you can both have a good natter to each other on the phone

email some funny snippets of what's happening at home.

Your self-esteem

Once you feel you're dealing with the practicalities of your child's departure and your immediate feelings about it, it's a good idea to reappraise your own self-esteem.

Perhaps for too long now you have tended to identify yourself as 'a mum' rather than as a special and unique person in your own right.

If this is true, it's time to make some changes.

The chances are you've still got half of your life left to live - so get back in touch with who you are, build up your confidence and start planning to really make something of your new-found freedom.

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