Empty-nest syndrome

If menopausal symptoms are badly affecting you, and they seem worse because of your kids leaving home, see your GP who should be able to help.

You might also be interested in the work of the Natural Health Advisory Service or of the organisation called the Amarant Trust, which is devoted to improving the lot of women who are having difficulties with the menopause.

Your child's needs versus your needs
When your child leaves home, you'll obviously want to keep in touch with him or her. But don't try and do this excessively.

Be sensitive to the fact that your son or daughter is trying to take a big, significant step in life - which isn't actually much to do with you.

Your offspring will need your support, but will not want to feel swamped. And the more you cling or show that you're upset, the less likelihood there is of him or her contacting you.

Ration your calls to no more than two a week. Also, try texting or using email instead of phoning. You'll be able to put your feelings succinctly without getting too emotional.

This form of communication will probably suit your child better, too. It's much easier for a young person to say 'I really miss you' in a message rather than on the phone, when other students might be listening.

If your child is having a miserable time at university or college, do resist the impulse to be pleased about this! And don't suggest that he or she gives up and comes home.

Plenty of teenagers are very miserable and lonely for a couple of weeks, but they deal with it. And that is a great accomplishment.

So be supportive, but don't sort everything for them - and certainly don't try to bring them back home.

Tips to ease empty-nest syndrome
At the same time as being sensitive to your child's needs, you need some help and support for your feelings.

Lean on your friends. Maybe some of them are going through the same thing or have already gone through it.

Be kind to yourself and think of some treats - for example, you could have a long lie in a scented bath. You may even come to see that although you've lost a teenager, you've gained a bathroom!

Then you can do some practical things to help you feel better:

• buy some credit for your son's or daughter's mobile phone or a voucher to help with book costs
• try to agree a time once a week when you can both have a good natter to each other on the phone
• email some funny snippets of what's happening at home.

Perhaps for too long now you have tended to identify yourself as 'a mum' rather than as a special and unique person in your own right.

If this is true, it's time to make some changes.

The chances are you've still got half of your life left to live - so get back in touch with who you are, build up your confidence and start planning to really make something of your new-found freedom.

Your relationship
You may be a lone parent and currently single: in which case, I hope you're thinking in terms of extending your circle of friends and possibly finding another mate.

But if you are in a long-term relationship, then what seems like empty-nest syndrome can actually be a sense of despair about the state of your romance. .

It's marvellous when a couple rediscover each other after the kids have flown the coop and start having a happier, more companionable and sexier time.

But what happens if you find that the children's departure forces you to face the fact your relationship is redundant?

Case study A client of ours - we'll call her Sarah - told me how she and her husband went on a holiday of a lifetime shortly after their children left home.

They went cruising to exotic places, but discovered they had very different views on how to spend the daytime hours.

She wanted to visit ancient sites and ruins; he wanted to read and sip gin and tonics by the pool.

Evenings were no better. They sat opposite each other over exquisite candle-lit dinners every night and could think of nothing to discuss.

It's not just emotions and relationships
This can also be a time of fresh beginnings in terms of employment.

If you've only ever done poorly paid part-time jobs while the children were at home, now you've got a chance to have a fresh start.

You might like to consider further education or training. The government has excellent information on adult learning on its directgov.uk website that will give you some good ideas.

This is a very challenging time for you. Nothing will ever be the same again. But just because everything's different, doesn't mean it can't be as good.

Many women enjoy the second half of their lives hugely - and end up doing all sorts of things they would never have dreamed of when they saw themselves as 'just a mum'.

How can you help if you're the young person leaving home?
If you're a teenager who has left home - or is about to go - and you know your mum is really suffering, what can you do?

First of all get her to look at this article.

Secondly, if she's very upset, get her to talk things over with a close girlfriend or go to a doctor.

But after that, don't make the mistake of trying to curtail your activities to please her.

Your development depends on you finding your adult feet, and in going off to learn new things, do new jobs and make new friends and relationships. That's the way of the world.

The empty-nest syndrome is actually your mum's problem - not yours.

Of course you'll want to be sympathetic and kind to her. After all, she does love you very much: she wouldn't have empty-nest syndrome if she didn't.

But don't allow yourself to be pressurised into coming home more often than you want, or can afford. And don't fall into the trap of having to call her every day.

Arrange with her when you will phone her and stick to that. Please be fair about this and remember to call when she is expecting you to.

An extra email or text message on top of that will probably help to cheer her up. But don't do so many that she comes to expect them. They should be a pleasant surprise for her - and a pleasure for you to do, not a duty.

Don't forget, this is a time when you're forging your independence. She's got to do the same.

Further information

• Self-esteem
• Test your self-esteem
• Relate
• Relate Scotland
• Natural Health Advisory Service: www.naturalhealthas.com
• The Menopause Amarant Trust
• Adult learning

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