Am I gay?

Written by Dr David Delvin, GP and family planning specialist and Christine Webber, psychotherapist and lifecoach



'Am I gay?' is a question that's often asked by young people now there is much more openness and honesty about discussing male homosexuality and lesbianism.

Actually, it is quite a difficult question to answer, since we now realise that there is a wide spectrum of sexual orientation – with some people being exclusively gay, some people being exclusively heterosexual and a lot of us falling somewhere in between.

It is interesting that even today, the question 'Am I gay?' distresses young men much more than young women.

This is partly because of the fact that in the last 10 years, there appears to have been quite a shift in public attitudes to lesbian behaviour among women.

A lot of younger adults now seem to take the view that it is fairly acceptable for a female to go through a phase in which she fancies other attractive women.

The term 'lipstick lesbian' has become commonly used to describe someone (often in her late teens) who cheerfully flirts with other girls.

We also believe there is a growing feeling among many younger people of both genders that sex is there to be enjoyed in various forms, and that they do not really want to be categorised as being heterosexual, bi-sexual, lesbian or gay.

However, there are still large numbers of young men who have been brought up believing that there is a stigma attached to being homosexual. They tend feel very distressed if anyone questions their sexual orientation or if they begin to have any doubts about it themselves.

We hope this article will help to alleviate some of these male concerns.

How do you know if you are gay?

Many homosexual men say they always knew they were gay - right from as early as childhood.

But for other men it isn't so clear cut, and this is perhaps not surprising. After all, we live in a much more touchy-feely society these days.

Grown men hug their mates, and it is no longer frowned upon to hug your brother or dad in public. So men who in previous generations would have had no physical contact with other men, now have quite a lot. No wonder many feel confused.

The important thing is to accept that it is okay not to be sure - and to take your time in deciding which way you want to go.

A lot of young adults make their decision as a result of observing male role models, including friends and people they encounter at work or college.

In your life, there are going to be men that you meet who are happily and confidently homosexual.

You will also meet plenty of others who are undoubtedly and effortlessly heterosexual and, unfortunately, some who are vehemently anti-gay.

What if you have sexual thoughts about other men?

Does it matter if you sometimes have homosexual thoughts – or gay dreams?

You are not necessarily gay if you sometimes have sexual dreams about other men.

Plenty of men who are heterosexual, and who have never even had a fumble with another bloke, have such dreams - though they rarely admit to them.

Vast numbers of heterosexual women have sexy dreams about other females too.

What if you have feelings for your friends?

It does not mean that you are gay if you 'love' your male friends. Plenty of us - male and female - genuinely love our mates. They mean the world to us, but that does not mean we are gay.

It is a different matter if you find you want to see their genitals or long to hold and stroke them sexually.

Masturbation and sexual orientation

A psychologist has told us that masturbation is a useful test for determining sexual orientation. He said gay people fantasise about their own gender when they masturbate whereas heterosexual people do not.

This is quite a good theory, although in practice many straight men and women do have occasional sexual fantasies - often fantasies about group sex - that involve both genders.

As a general rule, if your mind is full of images of men when you masturbate, this probably means that at the moment you fancy men much more than women.

Some men are worried by memories of having participated in masturbatory games during their teenage years, which may have included physical contact with other boys. This kind of experience is quite common and definitely does not mean that you are gay.

Are victims of rape or sexual abuse always gay?

This is a widely believed myth. We have often been contacted by men who - because they have been raped or sexually abused - are convinced they must be homosexual, since they were singled out for this kind of attack.

But figures at a conference we attended in 2005 conclusively showed that a very large proportion of male rape victims are heterosexual guys who happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time and were unable to fight back, for example because they'd had too much to drink.

Some victims believe that a rapist or abuser senses homosexuality and picks his victims accordingly. This is not true. Most experts believe that male rape is about violence and aggression and not about sex at all.

The worst thing about sexual abuse is that it is frequently carried out by a relative or by someone else in a position of trust - like a care worker, youth leader, sports coach, etc.

Not unreasonably, the child often initially admires or hero-worships his abuser. So it is small wonder that the victim is left with a legacy of terrible confusion.

Any man who has been raped or abused should seek counselling. The best organisation to contact is Survivors UK on 0845 1221201 between 7pm and 10pm on Mondays, Tuesdays and Thursdays. Their website is: www.survivorsuk.org.

Dealing with same-sex crushes

If you are a young man who finds yourself in love with or deeply attracted to one of your male friends, it can feel very worrying. It may mean that you are gay - though not necessarily so.

But what can you do about it? First, you need to assess whether this man could possibly return your feelings. One way or another, this is often obvious.

For example, if he has shown considerable interest in girls - and maybe has a girlfriend - it is very unlikely that he is going to want to have sex with you.

Just as you would not force yourself sexually on a girl who happened to be your friend, even if you fancied her like crazy, neither should you approach your male friend sexually, unless he gives you any encouraging signs.

Of course, this can be very difficult for you when you feel desperately in love and sexually charged up about a male friend. But the sensible course of action is to keep your desires from him, and to try to discuss your feelings with an expert or someone who you can trust.

In time, if you are gay, you will find yourself seeking out like-minded individuals who are also attracted to men, and you will experiment with them and probably fall in love too.

But you will still want to be close to your heterosexual friends. And the way to keep your straight friends is to avoid trying to have sex with them when they do not feel the same way as you.

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