How to help your female partner have orgasms

Written by Dr David Delvin, GP and family planning specialist and Christine Webber, psychotherapist



These days most women want orgasms. That wasn't always the case. Not much more than a generation ago, many adult females simply didn't have climaxes - and a lot of them weren't bothered about it.

Some doctors claimed that, for a huge proportion of women, it was 'normal' to have no experience of orgasm. Indeed, as late as the 1970s there were still some who maintained that the female orgasm didn't exist - and was simply a myth made up by the media.

All that has changed now. These days, medical opinion is that every woman should be able to have orgasms - if she wants to. Furthermore, the view of most sex experts is that the majority of women are capable of multiple orgasms - if they wish to have them. In general, the ability to have multiple orgasms is greater in more mature women.

What is a female orgasm?

We're writing this explanation in the assumption that you - the reader - are male. But what follows will be of interest to a lot of female readers too.

What happens in a woman's body during a climax is very like what happens in your (male) body when you ejaculate. In other words, there's a feeling of increasing excitement, building up to a point where everything 'blows' in a great blast of ecstasy. This 'orgasmic moment' is characterised by surges of contractions in the sex organs, occurring almost every 0.8 seconds.

Men are well aware that these throbs of pleasure are accompanied by the pumping out of spurts of seminal fluid. Obviously this doesn't happen in women.

A few females do produce some fluid at orgasm, but the impression given in so many erotic stories that most women 'ejaculate' is not correct. Only a minority of females do this.

Multiple orgasm

The other big difference between male and female orgasm is this: after the first climax, many women can 'come' again, often within a minute or two.

This ability is extremely rare in males. Relatively few young women can achieve multiple orgasm, because it's an ability that usually has to be learned. But with the help of a skilled lover, most women can eventually achieve the capacity for multiple orgasms - if they so desire.

Bringing women to a climax

For men perhaps the most important thing to realise about female climaxes is that with women, it's not a mechanical thing - as it generally is with men.

You see, most males will ejaculate quite quickly if they have their penises rubbed. This applies even if the circumstances aren't very romantic - or even if they don't particularly like the person who's doing the rubbing! Women are not like this. Female orgasm isn't a push-button response. The conditions have to be right.

Although females vary, many women need the following if they're going to reach a climax easily:

a romantic atmosphere

pleasant, comfortable surroundings

a partner who they really like

a feeling of being wanted and appreciated

a good flow of natural lubrication - so that the delicate female parts don't get sore

a skilled partner who knows how to stimulate the clitoris.

Unless you can provide the above, you are not going to have great success in giving your partner orgasms.

Please bear in mind that - contrary to what many men think - sexual intercourse by itself is not likely to produce an orgasm. This is because intercourse alone is not very good at stimulating the woman's clitoris. Nearly all females need additional stimulation of the clitoris by fingers or mouth.

What to do

In summary, here's what to do if you want to bring your partner to orgasm regularly:

don't be in a rush.

don't be too demanding - it's not an Olympic event.

talk to your partner, and ask her what she wants you to do to her.

always create a romantic atmosphere.

make sure that everything is comfortable and nice for her.

give her lots of kisses and cuddles before you even think about making any approach to her sexual area.

when you do start to stroke, rub or kiss her genitals, don't rush into 'attacking' her clitoris. Take things gently, and see what she wants.

use her own natural lubrication to moisten her clitoris. (If she is over 40, it may be a good idea to use some additional lubrication from a chemist or a sex shop).

remember that stimulation of the clitoris is the key to female orgasm.

sometimes encourage her to 'run' your sex sessions. You can learn a lot by watching how she stimulates herself or by really listening to her when she suggests a sex position, or a particular caress.

Further information

There is a companion article to this one on our site. It's for women who are anxious to learn how to achieve orgasm and is called: 'Are you having trouble reaching orgasm - a guide for women'.

For women who have real problems in reaching orgasm, counselling might be an answer. The are a number of places that women can contact for sex therapy.

You can definitely increase the likelihood of orgasm in your partner, by keeping your love life as varied as possible. To that end, you might like to encourage her to visit some of the sex shop sites that are run by women for women. These sites have videos, sex- education books, sex toys and various other items for sale that might help to give your sex life a boost. Our favourites are:

Gash: www. directory.co.uk/gash

Passion 8: http://www.passion8.com

Sh!: http://www.sh-womenstore.com

Tickled: http://www.tickledonline.co.uk

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