Sex after giving birth

Written by Dr David Delvin, GP and family planning specialist and Christine Webber, psychotherapist and lifecoach

Will childbirth affect your sex life?

Yes, it certainly will! So please don't expect that everything will instantly return to normal. Men are particularly likely to believe this; a lot of young blokes think that they'll be able to have intercourse as soon as their partner gets home from hospital. But that just isn't true.

You see, childbirth is a pretty traumatic process for a woman. Having a baby pass through her vagina is almost like having a small explosion go off inside her. The delicate vaginal tissues are inevitably strained, bruised and torn – and it takes some weeks for these injuries to heal up.

Furthermore, childbirth involves very considerable hormone changes hormone changes – as well as emotional stresses. Therefore, very, very few women feel rampagingly sexy until a long time after they have given birth.

Therefore, it's important for both mother and father to realise that lovemaking may not go brilliantly in the first six months or so after Baby arrives. So be prepared - and be patient!

How soon can you resume having sex?

In general, a woman shouldn't consider having full sex (ie intercourse) until after her postnatal check-up. This examination usually takes place about six weeks after the birth.

Even then, she may not feel ready to 'go all the way' - particularly if she has had stitches and the opening of her vagina is sore.

If you're in any doubt about whether to resume sex, ask the doctor who does your postnatal examination for advice – particularly about using additional lubrication..

Can you go in for any other sexual activity before resuming intercourse?

Yes – and it can be a good way of 'letting off steam'. Couples do often get very frustrated when they're waiting to resume sexual intercourse. This applies particularly to men!

So, in the meantime, you can go in for loveplay - though there is one danger, which we'll explain in a moment.

Can both of you go as far as the point of climax? Definitely! It will do the postnatal woman no harm at all to have orgasms if she wants to.

So, things you can do include:

hand petting on the man by the woman - what's often called a 'hand job'.

hand petting of the woman by the man - using his fingers to stimulate her clitoris. But he should not put his fingers inside until she has had her postnatal examination and the doctor has said that everything has healed up. So, just stick to stroking and rubbing the outside of her sex organs. It's quite safe to pay plenty of attention to her clitoris, which is well away from the area where stitches are put in.

oral sex performed on the man by the woman. This type of loveplay - termed 'fellatio'- often proves a great boon to a male who is desperate for sexual release.

mutual caressing of various other parts of each other's bodies.

Is there anything we should avoid?

Yes. Please heed this important warning. You'll note that in the section above we have not recommended oral sex performed by the man on the woman (ie 'going down ' on her).

This activity - often termed 'cunnilingus' - is definitely off limits during the first few of months after childbirth.

Why? For two reasons:

it could introduce infection into the vagina and womb.

even more seriously, it has occasionally led to death. These tragedies have occurred because the man has (often accidentally) managed to blow air into the vagina. Air can very easily get into the blood vessels of the newly-delivered womb - and cause an often fatal illness called 'air embolism'. Not long ago, the British newspapers reported an appalling case in which a man forced his wife into cunnilingus shortly after she came home from hospital, puffed air into her – and killed her.

Is it OK to handle the breasts after childbirth?

Yes, it is OK - provided the woman feels happy about it. But don't go in for 'boob play' if she develops any kind of breast disorder, such as a nipple crack or an abscess.

Do feelings for the new baby affect your sex life?

Absolutely! You'll find that a great deal of time has to be spent taking care of the new baby. Most new mothers - and plenty of new fathers too - feel exhausted because they are never able to get sufficient sleep. This may go on for months - or even a couple of years.

During this time, a man can feel as if his partner is pushing him away. He may think that she is lavishing all her attention on the baby and this may make him feel jealous, or left out.

After watching a partner go through pregnancy and birth, some men gain a new respect for the female body. These guys find it easier to articulate the emotions they feel about the new phase of their relationship and become more considerate of their partner's changing needs.

But a few men who have been at the birth of their child are quite distressed by what they have seen. Indeed, some of them feel so guilty at the pain their partner has gone through that they are unable to even consider the idea of making love with her again. This is usually just a passing phase, but not always. And such a man should seek help from a counsellor to discuss his feelings.

To create and maintain a good atmosphere in the home, your relationship has to be one of trust and mutual respect. Both partners need to try to understand the other's point of view. It is vital at this time that the couple can still do things together without the baby being involved so that they can enjoy the feelings they had for each other before they became parents.

We do urge new parents to take advantage of any offers of babysitting that come their way from fond grandparents, aunts, uncles and friends so they can go out together - or even just retire to bed for a sleep and perhaps a spot of sex!

What happens to the female sex drive after birth?

Most women don't feel very keen on sex for at least a few weeks after childbirth and the main reason for this is simply exhaustion. If the delivery was long or difficult, the woman may also feel anxious about getting pregnant again.

Generally, women start getting their desire back within a couple of months of having a baby. If your libido doesn't return, then you should seek help from a doctor. Female medics at family planning clinics are particularly good at helping to deal with this problem because they see it all the time.

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