How to improve your relationship

It's better by far for both partners to accept that they share joint responsibility for the relationship, and to agree that when they are having problems they should work at them together.

Find time to work on your relationship

In today's busy, modern world, you need to find time for each other. This is not easy if you both have hectic careers, and becomes even more difficult when you have children.

But if you have established a will to make things better, then you need to look at your joint schedules and find time when you can be together.

If you don't find time, improvement will be slow or non-existent.

As a therapist, I often take calls from couples who want to come for therapy to improve aspects of their relationship, but who then cannot find a mutually convenient time to fit in an appointment. This is ludicrous.

It suggests both the relationship and the work needed on it is a low priority.

If you can make time to talk and to be together, you may well overcome your difficulties.

Change the way you communicate

Frequently, couples stop making an effort with each other. They may insult each other or take each other for granted.

Suppose the door bell rings. One partner may yell at the other: 'Get that will you?' It doesn't take much effort to add the word 'please' or to ask in a different way, such as: 'Would you mind answering the door?'

This may sound a small point, and maybe an old-fashioned one, but when couples bellow demands at each other, it sounds abrasive and disrespectful.

When aggression becomes a habit, it can seriously damage the romance in a relationship.

Dr Jack Dominian is a psychiatrist who has had a long and distinguished career in the treatment of relationship problems. He says a couple should eliminate one phrase from their vocabulary: 'the trouble with you is…'.

I would add that sarcasm is unpleasant and unproductive. It invariably leads to one partner feeling 'put down', which isn't a good emotional state for a healthy relationship.

The key thing here is that you should make sure you show each other the respect that you did when you first met.

Make an effort for each other

Lack of respect can also be shown in appearances. It's very sad that couples often stop making an effort with how they look.

A small thing like changing work clothes for something brighter for dinner – and the woman putting on some make-up and the man having a shave – can transform a routine evening into more of an occasion.

Try the 10-minute rule

Men often say: 'She just wants to go on and on about things, and it drives me mad.' While women say: 'We never talk.' Both parties cannot be right!

If you and your partner are struggling to discuss the things that matter to you both, it's a good idea to deploy the 10-minute rule.

If you both know that you have limited time, you will be more concise, and hopefully spare each other any histrionic behaviour.

Have an evening out

Try to have one evening out per week, just the two of you. If you have children this is more difficult to arrange, but it's not impossible. And when you have this 'date', avoid talking about your offspring or work.

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