Depression - how it affects sex and relationships

Written by Christine Webber, psychotherapist and lifecoach



Depression adversely affects every aspect of our lives - including our relationships.

When one partner is depressed, the relationship may suffer so badly that it doesn't survive.

In fact, a good relationship is very therapeutic for somebody with depression, because when we're really low we need love, support and closeness more than ever - even if we can't show it ourselves.

If your partner has depression

Depressed people usually feel withdrawn. They don't feel they can raise enough energy to pursue their normal routine or do things with the family, or even to notice when their partner is being attentive.

This can quickly lead you to feel you are in the way, or unwanted, or unloved. And it can be easy to misinterpret the low moods as hostility towards you, or signs that your partner wants to end the relationship.

On the other hand, you can also feel that somehow you may have caused the depressive illness. Things may seem so bad at home that you suspect your partner is having an affair.

This is all skewed thinking, but it's difficult to stay calm and confident when the person you thought you knew is acting strangely and appears to be so unhappy. However, it's normal to be upset by this situation.

Even if you're at your wits' end because your loved one has lost the ability to concentrate on what you're saying, or to raise a smile, or to appreciate any of the good moments in life, try to accept that all these things are part of the awful illness.

Sex and performance

We don't know nearly enough about the chemical changes that occur in the brain during depression. And little research has been done on how these changes affect sex.

From a clinical point of view, it's clear that a depressive illness tends to affect all the bodily systems, dislocating them and often slowing them down.

This effect is most marked with regard to sleep, which is invariably disrupted, and on any activity that requires verve, spontaneity and good co-ordination. That includes sex!

So most people who are depressed tend to lose interest in sex. Admittedly, this isn't always the case, and some depressed people manage to maintain normal sex lives - sometimes even finding that sex is the only thing that gives them comfort and reassurance.

In men, the general damping down of brain activity causes feelings of tiredness and hopelessness, which may be associated with loss of libido and erection problems.

In women, this diminished brain activity tends to be associated with lack of interest in sex, and very often with difficulty in reaching orgasm.

All these problems tend to diminish as the depressive illness gets better. Indeed, renewed interest in sex may be the first sign of recovery.

Sex and antidepressants

It's not just the illness that affects a person's sex-life - antidepressant medicines such as Prozac can interfere with sexual function.

One of the commonest side-effects is interference with the process of orgasm so it's delayed or doesn't occur at all. If this happens, ask the doctor about changing medication.

How depressed people can help themselves and their relationship

Some days will seem better than others. On your better days, try to make an effort to show love and appreciation to your partner.

Choose a code-word, for example the title of a favourite film, and use it with your partner to indicate that you'd love a cuddle, but you don't feel like sex.

Try to go for a walk every day, preferably with your partner. Walking not only gets you out in the fresh air, which will give you a bit of a lift, but like other forms of exercise it releases endorphins in the brain. These are 'happy' chemicals that rapidly elevate your mood.

Even on your worst days, try to spot happy moments like a bird singing or a new flower blooming in your garden. Try to train yourself to notice three of these heart-warming moments per day.

You may have an odd relationship with food while you're depressed (you could have little appetite or constantly comfort eat), but try to eat five pieces of fruit per day. This is a caring thing to do for yourself and is good for your physical and mental health.

Listen to music that matters to you.

Have faith that the depression will pass, and that you will enjoy your life again.

How to help your depressed partner

Don't keep saying that you understand what your partner is going through: you don't. Instead say: 'I can't know exactly how you're feeling, but I am trying very hard to understand and help.'

Most people who are depressed lose interest in sex. Try to remember that this loss of interest is probably not personal, but to do with the illness.

Don't despair. Some days you'll feel your love for your partner doesn't seem to make any difference to them at all. But hang on in there. Your love and constant support do have a big impact and can help persuade your partner of their value.

Do encourage your partner to get all the professional help available. Depression is not something to be stoically endured alone.

Remember: it's exactly as if your partner was recovering from a serious physical illness or from surgery. Give plenty of tender loving care and encourage them to rest and recuperate. And don't expect improvement to be rapid.

Do something nice for yourself. Being around a depressed person is very draining, so make sure you look after yourself. Have some time alone, or get out to a film or to see friends. Depressed people often want to stay home and do nothing, but if you do this too, you'll get terribly fed up.

Remember that this period in your life will pass - and that your partner is the same person underneath the depression as he or she was before.

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