Depression - how it affects sex and relationships
Most people who are depressed lose interest in sex, but it's unlikely your partner's depression has anything to do with you.
Depression adversely affects every aspect of our lives - including our relationships.
When one partner is depressed, the relationship may suffer so badly that it doesn't survive.
In fact, a good relationship is very therapeutic for somebody with depression, because when we're really low we need love, support and closeness more than ever - even if we can't show it ourselves.
If your partner has depression
Depressed people usually feel withdrawn. They don't feel they can raise enough energy to pursue their normal routine or do things with the family, or even to notice when their partner is being attentive.
This can quickly lead you to feel you are in the way, or unwanted, or unloved. And it can be easy to misinterpret the low moods as hostility towards you, or signs that your partner wants to end the relationship.
On the other hand, you can also feel that somehow you may have caused the depressive illness. Things may seem so bad at home that you suspect your partner is having an affair.
This is all skewed thinking, but it's difficult to stay calm and confident when the person you thought you knew is acting strangely and appears to be so unhappy. However, it's normal to be upset by this situation.
Even if you're at your wits' end because your loved one has lost the ability to concentrate on what you're saying, or to raise a smile, or to appreciate any of the good moments in life, try to accept that all these things are part of the awful illness.
Sex and performance
We don't know nearly enough about the chemical changes that occur in the brain during depression. And little research has been done on how these changes affect sex.
From a clinical point of view, it's clear that a depressive illness tends to affect all the bodily systems, dislocating them and often slowing them down.
This effect is most marked with regard to sleep, which is invariably disrupted, and on any activity that requires verve, spontaneity and good co-ordination. That includes sex!
So most people who are depressed tend to lose interest in sex. Admittedly, this isn't always the case, and some depressed people manage to maintain normal sex lives - sometimes even finding that sex is the only thing that gives them comfort and reassurance.
- In men, the general damping down of brain activity causes feelings of tiredness and hopelessness, which may be associated with loss of libido and erection problems.
- In women, this diminished brain activity tends to be associated with lack of interest in sex, and very often with difficulty in reaching orgasm.
All these problems tend to diminish as the depressive illness gets better.
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