Talking to pre-adolescent children about sex

Written by Christine Webber, psychotherapist and Dr David Delvin, GP and family planning specialist

Evidence suggests good sex education tends to delay actual sexual activity.


When is the right time to talk to your children about sex? Evidence points to the fact that good sex education tends to delay actual sexual activity.

The risks of early sexual activity
Teenage sex involves two serious risks.

Sexually transmitted disease. Most people don't realise it is easy to catch an STD these days – especially if they are young. In some areas of Britain, 10 per cent of all young adults are carrying chlamydia. The average child of 10 or 12 has no idea at all that this risk exists.

Unwanted pregnancy. At the ages of 10 to 13, some children may not know what causes pregnancy. Even if they do, it's usual to think pregnancy is something that happens to other people.

Does sex education promote promiscuity?
Some people believe that talking to young people about sex encourages early sexual activity, but good sex education is vital so young people can make informed choices.

In Britain most teenage pregnancies occur in young people who have had a relatively poor education - including sex education. All west European countries have lower teen conception rates than the UK, probably because they have far better sex education.

In Holland young people are carefully warned about both the attractions and dangers of sex. As a result, the rate of teen births is one sixth what it is in Britain.

The only western country that has a worse teenage pregnancy rate is the USA - where education about sex is patchy or non-existent, and can simply rely on promises of chastity.

We saw for ourselves the effect of sex education during research for one of our books.

We interviewed a group of children in the West Country aged 12 to 13 who were all mums, and a group of children in Hertfordshire whose average age was 14.

The West Country group had had little or no sex education. They did not even know about periods or how babies were made – until they became pregnant.

The Hertfordshire group had had good sex education, both at school and home. They knew far more theory about sex, but none of them had tried it.

When should I start telling my children about sex?
It is clear that children need to know about sex - both anatomically and emotionally - and that they need accurate information before puberty. Children are going to be vulnerable from about the age of 12, and sometimes a good deal earlier - so in a sense, it's never too early to start.