Do you think you're developing erectile dysfunction (ED) - previously known as impotence? Presumably you're worried about this subject, because otherwise you wouldn't be reading this factsheet!

Now, here's a vital point that we'd like to stress to you: 'You should talk about your worries with your partner.'

Now that may not be very easy for you. You see, in the UK we do have a habit of keeping 'emotional' things to ourselves, don't we?

So, in our own clinical practice, we've again and again seen men who are having potency problems, but who say: 'Oh, I couldn't possibly tell my wife/girlfriend about it.'

Heterosexuality and homosexuality
Incidentally, in this factsheet we'll be using words like 'wife' - which are appropriate to heterosexual couples. But in fact, the advice we give is equally applicable to gay couples.

If a gay guy develops erection problems, then he too needs to talk to his partner - and not 'clam up' about it.

Failure to communicate will only lead to trouble!

What happens if you don't talk to your partner?
From long experience, we can tell you that if a man doesn't talk to his partner about his difficulties, the results can be disastrous.

Why? Well, for a start, let's look at the likely effects on your partner.

She will almost certainly feel puzzled and confused by the fact that her man doesn't seem to want to have sex with her.

She may well feel scorned.

She may think that she is no longer attractive.

She may think that there is something repulsive about her body.

Very frequently, she'll assume that her husband/partner has found another woman - and is having an affair.

Sometimes, she assumes that he is so sexually exhausted by this 'affair' that he no longer has any energy to make love to her.

Some women who are convinced that their man is unfaithful to them decide to 'retaliate' by starting affairs of their own.

Occasionally, a female partner decides that her husband has become gay.

Sometimes, she decides that she wants a divorce!

So you can see that failing to take your partner into your confidence can be very distressing for her - and can have a very bad effect on your relationship.

You need your partner's help
Another reason why you should talk to your partner about your problem is this. You need her help for several reasons.

Firstly, it's good to have your partner's emotional support. It is very important to know that the person who you love - and who loves you - is on your side in dealing with this difficulty. Now there are two people fighting this battle - not just one.

She can help you to get erections. It's a simple fact that various forms of stimulation by a woman can often help a man get a 'hard-on' when he wouldn't otherwise manage it. Such help could include stimulation with the hands, the breasts or the mouth. (To be frank, simply 'sucking' on a penis will often give it an erection when all else fails!) She can accompany you when you go to see a doctor. Virtually all experts agree that in cases of erectile dysfunction (ED), the outlook for the man is generally better if his partner can come to the consultation with him, and support him.

How can you tell your partner?
Very often, there is no problem about telling the partner - since she has already noticed it! But frequently, the man needs to explain the situation to his wife/girlfriend, yet doesn't know how, or what words to use. Good opening phrases include:

There's something I need to talk to you about.'

'I've been having a bit of trouble with my personal parts/intimate bits/wedding tackle/sex organs.' Use whichever phrase feels comfortable for you.

'The fact is that during the last few days/weeks/months, I haven't been able to get an erection/get it up/make love.'

'I'm going to do something about it - and I'd very much like your help.'

Reassuring your partner
It's very, very important to reassure your partner that:

you still love her.

you still find her very attractive.

the problem is not connected with her in any way at all.

there's no suggestion that you'd prefer somebody else!

the problem can be successfully treated these days - by medication and other means.

you're determined to get it treated.

What should you do if there are strains in your relationship?
There's no doubt that erectile dysfunction puts a big strain on many relationships.

Either partner or both may start showing signs of stress. When this happens, it's very important that the two of your should seek help. Don't try and 'muddle through' alone. Ask your GP about the possibility of some helpful counselling.

If matters are bad, it is well worth talking to RELATE - a support organisation with a great track record in helping couples whose relationship is affected by ED.

Please note that if you live north of the border, the equivalent organisation is Couples Counselling Scotland.

Look in any phone book for the nearest branch of either of these organisations - both offer experienced, low-cost counselling. And the fees that they charge are calculated according to your means - so don't let anxiety about money stand in the way of getting good support.

Summing up
If you're running into difficulties with erections, the worst thing you can do is 'bottle it up'.

Whatever you do, make sure you talk to a doctor as well as your partner.

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