This is a question that is asked very frequently by young people. Actually, it is quite a difficult question to answer and seems to distress men much more than women.

This may be because there appears to have been quite a striking shift in attitude about lesbian behaviour among women - particularly those who are:

single

young

educated

career-minded.

It is also increasingly common for females under 35 years of age - who think of themselves as heterosexual - to indulge in occasional lesbian activity. I frequently hear of such situations from young friends and acquaintances - and also from some of my younger female psychotherapy clients. To most of them, this flexible orientation is not a problem - and they certainly do not lose any sleep over it.

I also believe there is a growing feeling among many younger people of both genders that sex is there to be enjoyed in various forms, and that they do not really want to be categorised as being heterosexual, bi-sexual, lesbian or gay. However, there are still large numbers of young men who have been brought up believing that there is a stigma attached to being homosexual - and they will feel very distressed if anyone questions their sexual orientation (or indeed if they have any doubts about it themselves). I hope this article will help to alleviate some of these concerns.

How do you know if you are gay - or not?
Many gay men say that they 'just always knew' they were gay - right from as early as childhood. Others are not sure what they are - and maybe this is not surprising. After all, we live in a much more 'touchy-feely' society these days. Grown men hug their mates, and it is no longer frowned upon to hug your brother or your dad in public. So males, who in previous generations would have had no physical contact with other men, now have quite a lot. No wonder many feel confused.

The important thing is to accept that it is OK not to be sure - and to take your time thinking about this issue.

As I have already said, there are going to be men that you meet who are happily and confidently homosexual. You will also meet plenty of others who are undoubtedly and effortlessly heterosexual and, unfortunately, some that are vehemently anti-gay.

You are not necessarily gay if you sometimes have sexual dreams about other men. Plenty of men who are heterosexual, and who have never even had a fumble with another bloke, have such dreams - though they rarely admit to them! Incidentally, vast numbers of heterosexual women have sexy dreams about other females too.

And it does not mean you are gay if you 'love' your male friends. Plenty of us - male and female - genuinely love our mates. They mean the world to us. But that does not mean we are gay. Obviously, it is a different matter if we find that we want to see their genitals, or long to hold and stroke them sexually.

A psychologist once told me that the crucial test for determining our orientation centres on masturbation. He said gay people fantasise about their own gender when they masturbate whereas heterosexual people do not. I think this is a pretty good theory, although many straight men and women do have occasional sexual fantasies - often fantasies about group sex - that involve both genders. However, as a general rule, if your mind is full of images of men when you masturbate, this probably means that you fancy men much more than women.

Some men will admit to having participated in masturbatory games, which may have included physical contact with other boys, during their teenage years. This kind of experience is quite common and does not necessarily mean that you are either gay or heterosexual.

Are victims of rape or sexual abuse always gay?
This is a most distressing anxiety. I have often heard from men who because they have been raped or sexually abused as children are convinced that they must be homosexual simply because they were singled out for this kind of attack. Some victims believe that a rapist or child abuser senses homosexuality and picks his victims accordingly. This is not true. Most experts believe that male rape is all about violence and aggression and not about sex at all.

The worst thing about sexual abuse is that it is frequently carried out by a relative, or by someone else in a position of trust - like a care worker, youth leader, sports coach, etc. Not unreasonably, the child often initially admires or hero-worships his abuser. So it is small wonder that the victim is left with a legacy of terrible confusion.

Any man who has been raped or abused should seek counselling. The best organisation to ring is Male Survivors on: 020 7833 3737.

Dealing with same-sex crushes
If you are a young man who finds himself in love with, or deeply attracted to, one of his male friends, it can feel very worrying. It may mean that you will turn out to be gay - though not necessarily.

But what can you do about it? Well, you need to assess whether this man could possibly return your feelings. One way or another, this is often obvious. For example, if he has shown considerable interest in girls - and maybe has a girlfriend - then it is unlikely that he is going to want to have sex with you. And, just as you would not force yourself sexually on a girl who happened to be your friend, even if you fancied her like crazy, neither should you approach your male friend sexually, unless he gives you any encouraging signs.

Of course, when you feel desperately in love and sexually charged up about a boyfriend this can be difficult. But the sensible course of action is to keep your desires from him, and to try to discuss your feelings with an expert, or someone who you can trust. (See Further information at the end of the factsheet.)

In time, if you are gay, you will find yourself seeking out like-minded individuals who are also attracted to men, and you will experiment with them - and probably fall in love too. But you will still want to stay close with your best, heterosexual friends. And the way to keep your straight friends is to avoid trying to have sex with them when they do not feel the same way as you do.

Should you tell others how you feel?
I have just suggested that if you have a crush on your friend you should not act on it, or even tell him. Of course he may be flattered to hear how much you adore him, but he may be terribly embarrassed, or frightened. And he may start avoiding you.

But, what about other people? Who should you discuss your possible gay feelings with? One counsellor at the Gay and Lesbian phone line says that telling anyone you are gay is one of life's most memorable statements. In other words it is something that you cannot 'unsay' afterwards. Would anyone believe you, for example, if you announced: 'You know I said I was gay, yesterday - well I was only joking.' No, they would not. So the golden rule is not to say anything till you are absolutely sure that you want to - and even then you should take advice from an expert, or someone who has been in a similar situation before.

This advice applies to best friends, colleagues, siblings and, above all, parents.

It can be equally confusing if you feel straight, but you have a male friend who tells you he loves or fancies you. Please realise that just because he has these feelings it does not mean he knows something that you do not about your orientation. You can be entirely straight and have gay men attracted to you.

If this happens with a good friend, you will probably want to retain the friendship. You can do this by being kind but also by making it quite clear that there is no possibility of sex as you simply do not feel the same way.

The morning after the night before
Sometimes, very worried young men write to me because they have got very drunk and had sex with another guy. Usually, they are quite disturbed about this - especially if all their previous sexual contact has been with women.

Of course, it is possible that such men do have deep-seated urges towards other men that only emerge when they are drunk. But when this happens, much as they want to fight against it, they will have pleasant feelings - and probably erections too - when they recall what took place.

However, often a man will have no pleasant recollections and will be genuinely horrified. In this case it is usually just the alcohol that got him into trouble. Let's face it, plenty of inebriated men and women have sex with people they would not normally look at twice - and it is these very encounters that tend to lead to real trouble like unwanted pregnancy, HIV, or AIDS. Booze makes brainless monsters of us all. So if you have had a homosexual encounter when drunk, just resolve never to get that wrecked ever again.

The legal position
The legal age of consent is currently 16 England, Wales and Scotland. But in Northern Ireland the age of homosexual consent is 17 and not 16 because the age of heterosexual consent in the province is 17 years.

At the time of writing, a review of sexual offences is taking place. One of the things that is being looked at is the situation where gay sex occurs between people of widely differing ages. As I have indicated earlier, many young people are involved in homosexual behaviour with someone older who is in a position of trust. In time, this kind of situation is likely to fall outside the law, even when the younger person is legally old enough to have homosexual sex and has given consent.

Further information

Brook Advisory Centres for Young People Offers phone contact and face-to-face counselling for under-25s who need help with their sex lives and emotional feelings. Call: 08000 185023.

Gay and Lesbian Switchboard
There are branches throughout the UK. But most people start with the 24-hour London line: 020 7837 7324. This offers masses of information about available support, counselling and social activities.

Youth Access
This organisation oversees drop-in counselling centres throughout the UK. Call: 020 8772 9900.

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