It happens to everyone
Virtually everyone has been dumped at some time in their life. I certainly have - so I know it hurts like hell. In fact, rejection is so painful it can give you a sense of being physically ill or injured. Rejected people often feel as though their feet have been cut away from under them, rendering them unsteady and unsure. All too often they succumb to every cold and stomach bug going.

Currently, I am seeing a young man in my practice whose relationship has just ended and he looks as if he is recovering from a major operation or a car accident. He is in so much pain that he appears to be physically ill. He knows, as you probably do too, that picking up the pieces is very tough. Losing that person you love leaves you with a dull, heavy weight in your chest that often, without warning, explodes into lacerating pain. This torment makes you long for a time when life was easier, so you tend to hope that your ex will return, sometimes even after a couple of years of single-living.

Skewed thinking
You might also feel that if they do not come back, no one else will ever fill that gap in your life and you will never find love elsewhere. This is nonsense of course, but grief skews our thinking.

So, how can you get over the pain? How can you learn to live again? How can you start viewing your single status as a fresh and fun opportunity instead of a punishment? How can you stop feeling that you are unlovable and unwantable and that fate has marked you out for a lifetime of solitude, misery and bad luck?

Well, the first step towards a new positive future is to finally accept that your ex-partner has gone and will not be coming back. This means facing your grief and allowing yourself to cry for the loss of your hopes and dreams. I am afraid that this is a painful process whether you are a young man who has just lost the girl of his fantasies or a 50-year-old woman whose cruel, philandering husband of 30 years has finally walked out.

The most important thing to remember at this point is that you will get over this. I know it does not seem like it right now, but you will, believe me.

Get bored, get better
The next most important thing is to lean on your friends and to talk about your ex until you have no words left to say. You will know you are getting better when you realise that you are actually bored with the subject yourself. Talking is the key to feeling better. When we talk about our hurt it gradually ceases to have power over us and step by step, we recover.

But during this shattering time, it is vital that you look after yourself properly. In fact, you should treat yourself like an invalid or like someone who has had a terrible shock. Take long, hot scented baths, play music that helps you to let your feelings out, tempt yourself with favourite foods and allow other people to get close to you and to care for you.

The LEARN process
L stands for LIST. Make a list of all the things about your ex-partner that you did not likeAfter acceptance comes a learning process that will propel you forward into a new and better life. I have devised five points to help you. Each point starts with a letter from the word LEARN, so it is easy to remember.

. It may start off small, but if you pin it up in your kitchen so that you see it daily, you will be amazed at how it will grow. Remember how they always told the same jokes? Or how they used to get drunk at parties? Or how they put you down in company? Or how they could not be bothered to get involved in your job or hobbies? Write it all down and start realising that maybe your lost relationship was not so great after all.

E is for EXPERIENCE. After a relationship is finished, we tend to think that we can never be loved again. This is not true, of course, but it is what we believe at the time. The fact is that there is every probability you will be loved again. Not by your ex-partner, of course: you will never again share exactly what you had in that relationship, but you can have just as important feelings with someone else.

A stands for APPRECIATION. Appreciation of yourself, that is. You need to look at yourself in the mirror and pick our your best features and congratulate yourself on them. Do this often. Another helpful task is to write a list of 50 things that you like about yourself. This might take some doing, but it is a rewarding exercise. You see, when we are dumped we tend to take the blame on our own shoulders. We mentally beat ourselves up for not being more fun or nicer or better in bed. I want you to stop this destructive thinking and just for a change, allow yourself to feel your own goodness. I want you to recall when you have helped someone or been kind to a stranger or put yourself out for a neighbour. Learning to accept and value your own kindness, beauty and talent is very healing.

R is for RE-ORGANISING. Unfortunately, when you have been half of a couple for awhile, many of your friends will be other couples who knew you and your ex. Sadly, some of these people are probably avoiding you like the plague now, fearful, in some cranky way, that having you around will make their own relationship more vulnerable to split. But even if you keep plenty of old friends, this is a time when you need a whole new circle of mates of both genders.

N is the most important letter in this acronym. It stands for NO SEX WITH YOUR EX! Often when you have been apart for several months, your ex may suddenly decide that the grass was not greener outside the relationship after all. Or perhaps they will sense that you are getting your life in order and feel jealous that you are now in a position to find someone else. Maybe they will just fancy a quick snog for old time's sake.

The trouble is that sex and closeness might make you feel loved and wanted temporarily, but it will leave you with more sorrow and confusion afterwards. So do not do it. If your ex begs to come back and try again, then you can make a decision at some later date about whether or not you will give it a go, but never have sex before this point. Anyway, the chances are that with all the suffering you have gone through and all the work you have done on yourself to get your act together your ex-partner will be the very last person you want to be with!

Therapy
Finally, for many people, losing a partner feels so painful because it echoes feelings of unworthiness or of uncertainty about love from their childhood. If this is happening to you, then you are dealing with two lots of pain and difficulty - what is happening now, plus all that baggage from earlier times. This is not easy.

It is no accident that many people go and get some therapy when they are emerging from a relationship and trying to deal with the pain of it. In fact, this is a very good time to do just that. So if your recovery seems to be taking ages, you might want to consider getting some sort of counselling to help you.

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