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First date do's and don'ts
First date do's and don'ts
By Jane Hoskyn
Whether this is the first or 15th time you've arranged to meet someone you met online, chances are you're as nervous as hell and looking for a little guidance, right? Well, you've come to the right place...
Whether this is the first or 15th time you've arranged to meet someone you met online, chances are you're as nervous as hell and looking for a little guidance, right? Well, you've come to the right place...
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Do look forward to it
Be optimistic about a date, and you're more likely to enjoy it. Don't believe me? Then hear it from the professors. Patricia Dunavold of California State University writes: "Optimism spawns hope, and hope can lead to happiness. In turn, happiness reinforces optimism, leading to a cycle of happy, optimistic people." Hurrah! I add that it's good to be realistic, too. Expecting every first date to be chapter one in the greatest love story of your life will only lead to disappointment. Stick a smile on your face and approach the date as a fun evening of getting to know a new person - who may just turn out to be a lover or a friend. Look forward to it, but don't overload it with meaning, and you'll be just fine.
Don't be late
Turning up five minutes late because the train got delayed is not a problem. Twenty minutes is a problem, especially if you couldn't be bothered to text to reassure them that you're on your way. Any more than 20 minutes without a good reason and letting them know is seriously rude and very insensitive - imagine how they feel, thinking they've been stood up. If you do pitch up after that, don't be surprised if they've given up and gone home.
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Do make sure you're over the ex
If you feel an overwhelming urge to babble about your ex, you're not ready to start dating again - at least, that's what your date will assume. If you are determined to get out there and move on after a break-up, just make sure to button your lip if your ex's name ever threatens to burst out.
Don't write them off immediately
Unless your date is a total bore, serious turn-off or demonstrable nutter, don't reject them at first glance. One problem with dating someone you've just met is that you don't get the chance to know each other before being romantically involved. It always pays to give someone a chance.
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Do walk tall
Pessimistic shoulders and a tense posture tell your date that you'd rather not be there. Take a few deep breaths, relax your shoulders and smile, and you will radiate friendliness. Don't wear anything that you're not comfortable in, and be aware of your body language - fidgeting and hair-twirling suggest that you're insecure, whereas subtle mirroring of your date's posture suggests that you're making a connection.
Don't be a try-hard
Constantly checking that your date is OK, insisting on paying for everything and nipping to the loo every five minutes to check your hair, won't make your date feel at ease - or you, for that matter. Don't act as though your entire life depends on this date, because you'll just look desperate.
Do be interested
People like to talk about themselves. Everyone finds themselves infinitely more interesting than anyone else, so your date will be delighted if you let them babble about their travel adventures, favourite music and so on. Letting them talk allows you to suss out what makes them tick; take mental notes and use them to your advantage in future. Remember that conversation is a two-way thing, and you need to contribute with more than just questions - but as a rule of thumb, let them do at least half the talking.
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Don't pretend to be someone you're not
If a night in a grungy music venue is your idea of hell, then don't pretend to be an indie kid just to win someone's heart. If you're a two-packs-a-day girl, don't pretend not to smoke. Making yourself out to be something you're not may win you a second date, but the real you will soon emerge, and you won't get very far down the road to true love. You'll also feel uncomfortable, which isn't a great look.
Do maintain eye contact
Looking someone in the eye and holding their gaze for a second or two is a powerful way to engage their emotions. There's something incredibly disarming about someone who will look you in the eye or touch your arm to underscore a point they're making. It creates a physical and psychological connection that's very hard to resist.
Don't get drunk
It's all too tempting to see booze as a magic confidence bullet that frees your conversation, eases your shyness and opens up your body language. Yes, a glass or two of your favourite tipple can have that effect - and sharing a drink is an age-old social winner. But go easy, especially if you're not having a meal as well. Booze on an empty, nervous stomach can very easily tip you into moron territory, demolishing those inhibitions that really ought to stay in place - so you end up laughing manically, babbling about the ex and coming on too strong. You'll feel terrible in the morning, in more ways than one.
Do have a kiss... but only if you want to
So the sparks flew and you know you want to see each other again. So should you have a snog or not? What's certain is that you shouldn't go in for the kill unless you're sure they want you to. Also, don't snog someone if you don't want to see them again, because you just leave them with false hope.
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