Does age matter?

Age gap romance is all the rage - but are those relationships doomed?

Giant sunglasses and mini pooches are so last season. These days, younger men are the hip Hollywood accessory. Reese Witherspoon has made do with the four-years-younger Jake Gyllenhaal, but the real pros go for double-figure gaps: Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher are 16 years apart, and Joan Collins was born 32 years before hubby Percy Gibson.

Falling just behind the double-figure gap are Shameless stars Anne-Marie Duff and James McAvoy (nine years younger), Eva Longoria and Tony Parker (eight years), and Denise Van Outen and Lee Mead (a mere seven years).

As in celebland, so too in real life. In the US, almost one-third of women aged 40-69 are dating men who are 10 or more years their junior. What could these women possibly see in their fit, highly sexed, fun-loving young suitors? And for the men, why on earth go for an independent, financially secure and sexually confident older woman...?

Yep, much of it comes down to sex. Men's testosterone levels decrease in their 40s, while women's sexuality peaks in their 30s and doesn't budge for another 20-odd years - or longer if she dabbles in HRT. What's more, a woman past her late 30s may have "been there, done that" with the whole fertility rollercoaster, and is now freed up to have sex purely for fun. All of which makes the older woman-younger man couple a lustful force to be reckoned with.

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When I asked singles and couples why they dated younger men or older women, they came up with all sorts of reasons. Niki, 36, reckons it's about simple availability: "I don't go out looking for younger men. There are just more of them. Men my age are usually married or living with someone."

Others thought there was more to it. Sarah, 44, said: "I've become a lot more adventurous and confident as I've got older, and I also look after myself better. Men just seem to go downhill, especially if they're divorced."

Samantha, 38, admits there's "a huge ego-boost" in being fancied by a younger man. And she just wants to have fun: "Just because I'm nearly 40, doesn't mean I don't want to go out partying. Men my age are obsessed with getting married and finding a 'soulmate', but I'm really not interested. Younger men will take me clubbing and not care that I can't cook. It's liberating."

Simon, 30, agreed with Samantha's thoughts on settling down: "I don't want kids and marriage. Older women have done all that, or they know they don't want it." Alvar, 27, added: "I like having my own space, so I like women who have their own lives and their own homes. I don't want anyone to depend on me."

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Trouble is, old assumptions die hard. Changes in the workplace mean there's little reason to stick to the traditional coupling of younger woman and older man, with her breeding babies and him going out to work. But the stereotype remains, and women who date even slightly younger men are still seen as going against the norm.

Lisa, 39, is married to Rob, 34. "My parents were surprised when we decided to get married. They assumed it was a fling, purely because of his age. They wouldn't bat an eyelid if the ages were the other way round."

Those old expectations can even sabotage relationships. Chris, 25, said: "I was seeing a 38-year-old woman for two years, and I really fell for her. But my friends constantly took the piss about my 'old lady'. I couldn't handle it and neither could she, so we split up."

Then there's money. Ryan, 29, said: "My girlfriend is 39 and we've been together five years. I want to live together, and she doesn't. She bought her own place years ago. I don't want to be a gold digger and she doesn't want to be a sugar mummy."

Elaine, 50, has a cautionary tale: "My ex was 17 years younger. We were together for three years before he moved in. I signed over half my house to him. It made sense; we were really committed. But he changed, and he seemed to want an easy life. Breaking up cost me a lot of money. I'm now very wary about dating anyone who's not financially independent."

For Esther, 40, irritations can arise long before money becomes an issue. "Younger men don't get your cultural references. My last boyfriend was 25, so he was being born when I was 15 and watching Boy George on Top of the Pops. You'd be surprised how much that stuff matters."

Even the supposed bedroom advantages of age-gap dating fail to ring true for some. Lucy, 40, said: "Actually, young men are crap in bed. They don't have enough experience, and they don't last very long!"

So age does matter in relationships, but the advantages can outweigh the challenges if you go in with open eyes. If you're in an older woman-younger man relationship, or you're a younger woman with a much older man, here are some tips on making it work.

• If it's pure lust, embrace it for what it is. Just don't let the lust blind you to your differences - or turn you into a meal ticket.
• Don't assume the worst. A younger man doesn't necessarily want an older woman for her money. Discuss your fears before making any decisions.
• The older partner isn't a parent. A younger man can do his own laundry and cook dinner.
• Expect embarrassing questions or comments, and don't take them to heart. Show friends and family that you're perfectly suited, and the age gap will quickly fade into the background.

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