Dear Anne
I am a 25 year old man, currently in a relationship with a 44 year old woman, who has 2 kids (not mine). Firstly is this wrong? Should age matter? She has asked me to move in with her, and she wants to get married. She has been married before and is now divorced. I do love her but I'm not sure what to do next. My parents, although they don't agree with the relationship, haven't spoken about it to me, and choose to accept it! Please help. What should I do? Brian
Dear Brian
Thank you for your letter. Let's cut straight to the heart of the matter.
If you really wanted to get married and move in with your girlfriend, you wouldn't be having all these doubts. Surely your feelings are sending you a warning? It's quite possible to love someone but not to want a permanent, committed, live-in relationship. If that was what you both wanted, there'd be no problem, but it doesn't sound like you're convinced you'd be happy together.
An age-gap isn't wrong or right. It just is. The age-difference doesn't have much of an impact now, while you're both relatively young. If you were to get married, think of things in twenty years time. She'd be in her sixties, already a pensioner, and you'd still be at work. You might be lucky to have an elderly wife in good health but you might have to take care of her if she had a stroke, say, or advanced arthritis. How would you manage this while working full-time? There are relationships with a bigger age-gap than this which have worked out well. As for your parents, they realise that you are now an adult and they accept you as you are. The fact that you were hoping they'd help you make up your mind is another sign that you're not sure. If you were sure you wanted to be with this woman, the age-gap would be a small price to pay.
But you're not sure, and that's OK. Your feelings are sending you a message. Are you willing to go along with them? Don't your feelings matter as much as your girlfriend's? You could decide to call it a day now, or give yourself a cut-off point of three to six months in which to make up your mind. The choice is not between this woman and no-one. There are plenty of other women out there with whom you could be happy and not have any doubts about it. In the same way there are plenty of men with whom your girlfriend could go on and form a good relationship. If you are going to split up, wouldn't it make more sense to do it sooner rather than later? That way you both have the maximum chance of finding someone you are sure about.
I wish you both a good relationship whether that's with each other or someone else. Good luck!
