Everybody hates me

Dear Anne

I hate myself but I don't know why. I feel like everyone hates me, and it has made me hate myself. Why? And what can I do? Mosh

Dear Mosh

Thank you for your letter. I'm sorry you've been feeling this way but believe me, you're not alone in this. I hope you can take heart from the fact that lots of people have felt like this and have overcome it, going on to lead happy, sociable, fulfilling lives. Obviously this doesn't happen overnight, but step by step you can learn to transform your life.

So where does this feeling of self-hatred stem from? Generally it stems from having lived with critical people. Especially if this happened when the individual was small, he or she may adapt a self-critical approach as a way of trying to fit in with the people around. It can then happen that when you go on to school, you don't feel as though you're allowed (or able) to stick up for yourself so then you get bullied as well. That's bad for self-esteem too. I don't know if this rings any bells with you, but why you have felt this way is less important than beginning to feel more positive about yourself.

Usually the quickest and most effective way of building self-esteem is to find a psychotherapist with whom you feel comfortable working. Your GP may be able to refer you to counselling. There may be a branch of MIND, the mental health charity, near you. You can find out from Directory Enquiries or Talking Pages. Free counselling often means there's a waiting list so an alternative is to ring local counsellors (listed in Yellow Pages under Counselling & Advice) and negotiate an affordable rate. Working through books like Brian Roet's The Confidence to Be Yourself can also get you off to a start. There are plenty of books in the self-help or popular psychology sections of bookshops and libraries to choose from. If you're feeling desperate, you might want to visit the Samaritans website at www.samaritans.org.uk .

But the main thing is slowly to change the way you think about yourself. You could start by listing your good qualities and trust me, you have some! Being internet literate and brave enough to ask for help when you need it are two of them! Then, if you've ever done someone a good turn, you can write considerate, friendly and helpful on your list. What else can you put on your list? You will have skills too. Why not write these down and realise you're allowed to use these for yourself to make your own life better?

I's also worth considering your statement everybody hates me with an impartial eye. Some people may dislike you. More people are probably not fussed either way and millions don't even know you so they can't hate you. On the plus side, if anyone's ever been nice to you, smiled at you even, then you have been valued. If you've been valued once, even in a small way, then you know you're valuable. If anyone's ever cared about you, however poorly they've shown it, then you know you're worth caring about. It can be uplifting to smile at passersby and see how many smile back at you. Some of them will, and you can know that those who don't are either preoccupied, having a bad day or are just curmudgeonly. You could make it your target to smile at two strangers a day at least.

I'm sure you're doing the obvious things like keeping yourself, your hair and your clothes clean and neat. Once you've spent a week or two learning that you can generally win smiles by smiling at others, why not make your next target to say a word or two to strangers? Standing in queues is a great opportunity. Nice day, isn't it? or You'd think they'd have more staff on at lunchtime are good icebreakers. As with the smiling, you'll find more people respond positively than not. Lots of people are lonely and will be glad you made the effort to include them in a conversation. If you're at work, colleagues may also be glad to hear a cheery Morning!

It's worth knowing that just because things are bad now, it doesn't mean they always will be. Try changing phrases like, I'll never have friends to One day I'll have friends and the world becomes a brighter place. You have the power to start doing things differently. You can start reaching out little by little to others and finding the ones who will respond warmly. You can join social clubs or take up an Adult Education class, anywhere you'll meet new people on whom to practise your developing social skills. Assertiveness or Confidence classes could be just the thing. The door out of loneliness opens from the inside!

Most people also find positive self-talk helpful in changing their lives. You might try saying things like, I, Mosh, am learning to love and value myself out loud forty times a day. This takes about two minutes and can have a dramatic impact if you do it every day for a fortnight. Other helpful affirmations might be, I'm now drawing nice people towards me and I am a worthwhile person. I deserve good friends and good love. The more you say these things, the more you'll start to act on them and the truer they'll be.

I hope, Mosh, that within a few months you'll be enjoying the good things about yourself and developing your social life. I wish you confidence and every happiness. Good luck!

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