How do I get over her

Dear Anne

It has been almost a month now but I am still struggling to get over my ex-girlfriend. I am 22 and have only ever had two relationships. I get very nervous when I meet girls. Last November I started chatting to this wonderful girl on the internet and it quickly developed into romance. Although we didn't see each other regularly as we are both university students, whenever we were together we had a great time. I've even stayed at her parents house, which went very well. However I noticed some strange messages of a sexual nature on her phone. They were from her ex. I thought she was back with him. She started crying and then her mum got involved and told me how much see loved me so I believed that it was innocent. Back at uni she would often phone and tell me she loved me.

The next time I saw her she didn't quite seem herself but she told me that she loved me and asked me if I did her, which I did. When she came to stay with me I had a month left on my degree course and my workload was tremendous but we spent three lovely days together. She frequently and without prompting told me that she loved me, and even said she thought we would have a long future together. On the final night we didn't just have sex, we made love. After she'd gone back I found her password on my computer and stupidly looked in her inbox. It was full of love poems and letters from this lad who she said was just a friend but he was referring to her as his girlfriend. I phoned her for an explanation. She said, not this again! and that she'd have to think about whether she still wanted to go out with me. She said nothing was going on but the next day said she couldn't go out with me any more and she'd been having doubts including during the time when I thought we were most happy.

The only explanation she has given is that people change. My degree has really suffered. I have been on anti-depressants and been to see a counsellor. But I am still very down. She seemed to so kind, caring and loving, the sort of person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I feel so empty and can't see how I'll ever be happy again. What can I do to ease the pain? Andy

Dear Andy

I'm sorry you're so upset right now. I understand the temptation to go over and over everything in your mind as though you'll find an explanation that satisfies you or that gives you a clue about how you could get her back but is that helping you to move forward? The facts are that though in many ways she loved you and you had good times together, she wasn't open and upfront with you and apparently two-timed you, becoming defensive and angry when she was caught out. It can help if you realise how badly she treated you and that you had done nothing to warrant it. Do you actually want a relationship with somebody that secretive and arbitrary? How could you ever trust her again?

When a relationship ends it can feel as though you've lost all the good times you'd planned for the future, but in fact you haven't. You've lost the good times based on a fantasy about that person. You can still have good times. You can have other friends and girlfriends. You can still go to the cinema or to see a band. What's gone is that particular fantasy.

While it may seem for a while as though you've lost your validity as a human being somehow, you haven't. Your skills and good qualities are still yours. If you have to do resits, you can. You are a man who can laugh and have intimate chats. Who can be caring, kind and romantic. There are tens of thousands of girls out there who are looking for someone just like you. The fact that you've had two girlfriends means that you can attract others. While breaking the ice via the net is one way of meeting women, there are other ways, and just as you have learned all sorts of facts and correlations in your academic life, you can learn the tactics of confidence and of dating. Seeing a counsellor is one way of learning how to build self-esteem, but there are confidence and assertiveness courses at adult education and leisure centres around the country, or you can work through books like The Confidence to Be Yourself by Brian Roet.

There's no denying that a break-up can be painful. However, instead of needlessly blaming yourself or picturing yourself with a bleak future, how about investing some of the time you spend worrying in more constructive activities? These could include finding a permanent or interim job, trying new pastimes, travelling, making new friends or enjoying time with the ones you have. And of course you're entitled for a while to treat yourself as though you're recovering from illness, so doing things which you might enjoy like watching favourite videos, eating your favourite foods and so on is a good idea.

Few people end up with their first girlfriend. That means you're allowed to learn from this relationship, and perhaps in future you'll decide to pick someone who's actually around in the flesh rather more and can be close to you. You'll find someone who over a few months lets you fully into her life and wants to share your life fully too. You'll want someone who's emotionally available and considerate of you.

I wish you a good and speedy recovery, Andy. Good luck!

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