Dear Anne
My son died 15 years ago and my husband 10 years ago. I am 36 years old with 3 surviving children, who are 18,17 and 14. I know I have to pay restitution to them, but how long for? I feel alone and worthless. How long do I have to pay for the death of their brother and father? Their brother died of cot death and their father took his own life. Its not that I don't care, but I can't take the blame for much longer. There was nothing I could do. Why can't they understand this? I have tried counselling for myself and the children but this has not helped. Please give me advice. I have tried everything else. Please, please help. Anything! V-A
Dear V-A
I do feel for you. You are obviously very distressed about these deaths. It is very common for people to feel guilty because they couldn't do anything to stop someone else dying. The truth is, though, that neither you nor anybody else could have kept your son or your husband alive. Even if there'd been a host of doctors present, they couldn't have done anything to keep your child alive. Your husband was an adult who made a decision for himself. It was his choice and aren't you angry with him for doing that to all of you? Don't you think it was a cruel and selfish act? Aren't you angry that he abandoned you all, his wife and his small children? You don't blame your children, do you? And I hope you don't let them blame themselves. None of you are to blame, only your husband.
His suicide and the death of your infant don't mean there's anything wrong with you. Their dying was not in your control. You would have kept them alive if you could have but that was impossible. You are a human being and human beings do not have power over other people's death.
Cot death is a common tragedy. Most parents feel they are somehow to blame but they are not to blame. Likewise people often feel guilty when someone they love dies, particularly in the case of a suicide. This guilt is only an expression of wanting to control death and bring the deceased back. Many people go through this as a stage of grieving, and then they move on through anger and sadness to acceptance, where they acknowledge the good things they had with that person and make a new place in their life for the meory of the deceased? Do you think you might have kept blaming yourself until it's become a habit? Does that sound possible to you? But isn't the person you should be angry with the man who deliberately left his family behind?
What I say next might come across as harsh. I mean it with all the warmth and support and sympathy I possess. You now have choices (although I admit it probably doesn't feel like it right now!) If you want, you can stay stuck in the habit of blaming yourself for something over which you had no control. In which case, what do you get out of feeling that guilt? What is the positive benefit to you? Does it make you feel as though somehow you could do something different and bring your husband and child back? You can't! Nobody can! Sad though it is, they're dead, and you're allowed to say goodbye and move on with your life. Could it be that the guilt seems to confirm some underlying fear that you're a failure in some way? You're not! You have three healthy children whom you continue to care for and support. Does the helpless widow feel like it's become your identity? You're not helpless! Think of all the things you have accomplished to keep your children fed, clothed, educated, entertained! Like any mother, you have accomplished daily miracles!
Are you now willing to choose a new and more positive identity? Not just as a loving parent to three children, but also as a woman in your own right. A woman who can make friends. Who can find hobbies and a job if she chooses. Who could have boyfriends. Who could give something to the community, perhaps by volunteering (though of course this depends on other demands on your time while the kids are still at home). Who can make her home a pleasant and nurturing environment for herself.
Are you willing to give yourself permission to start living again? It's not disloyal. What you've been doing hasn't been able to bring back the dead, has it? You may choose to talk with a religious leader, or find a different counsellor, and make some sort of farewell ceremony. And above all, I hope you are now willing to forgive yourself. You don't owe any debts to the dead. Even if you did (which you never have done!) enough is enough. You don't need to pay restitution to anyone. And you don't owe any debts to your sons, either, except the normal motherhood ones.
While your children may have learned from your behaviour that you blame yourself, you are now free to tell them that you love them but you don't have to accept any blame for what wasn't your fault. I'm sure you'll tell them you still cherish the memory of the good times you had with your husband and the baby, but that you must all accept their deaths are a fact and in the past. If you tell them often enough, they'll learn!
I do hope, V-A, that you're now willing to start living for yourself as well as for your boys. I wish you forgiveness for yourself and peace of mind. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
