Dear Anne
I'm a youngish mum of two great children, have a great husband, and live in a nice village. However I am so lonely. My husband works long hours that include nights away. I rarely see my family who live miles away and I have not made any friends in my area since I moved here five years ago. I join in activities in our area but nothing seems to come of any encounters with other mothers. I know lots of people to say hello to and some to chat to on a surface level, but that's all it is, surface. I feel like the odd one out as other people have at least one friend to walk to school with or have a coffee with. I'm feeling really abnormal as I have always had lots of friends in the past. I feel like I am being forced to live in solitary confinement ... help! I'm not a shy person and I am very friendly and usually confident.
# However my confidence is now being severely affected. What's wrong with me? Am I expecting too much? Charlotte
Dear Charlotte
There's nothing wrong with you! You are a normal woman in a common predicament. However, I have some questions for you. Your answers may give you a way forward.
When you chat to other parents outside the school gates, do you ever say, Would you like to come back for a coffee? and then fix a definite day and time? Or have you been leaving it to others to make all the running and rescue you from your loneliness? Loneliness is a condition that exists in all countries and has existed throughout time. There are words for it in every language. But the door out of loneliness opens from the inside.
Even though the people you meet may not be a perfect match for your ideal friends, they're what you have available. Just as you have been holding back out of shyness and fear of rejection, so have they! Are you willing to be the one who makes the first move? Don't forget, other people may have bad days or other appointments. If you have been afraid of rejection, is it because you have been thinking critical thoughts about yourself? Do you want to stay stuck? If you don't, I invite you to start today! Apart from making those invitations, why not write a list of all your good qualities? Kind, caring, sensitive and friendly might be the first three on your list. And what of all your skills? Why don't you list them too? You can also make a separate list of all the friends you've had and what they liked about you. Just being able to write, liked me, Y liked me and Z liked me is a wonderful beginning. You still have all the qualities those people liked about you! That puts you several steps ahead of people who've never really had friends, doesn't it?
Here's another question. Have you been looking to your husband to fulfil all your social needs? That would be an unrealistic burden for anyone! And have you ever asked him, I'm feeling lonely. Would you like to go out with me to (the cinema, a restaurant, a pub, a walk in the park) this weekend? Your emotions are telling you you're not happy with what you've been doing. Are you now willing to listen to your feelings and act on them? Have you thought about making contact with any of your old friends? Joining email chatrooms for mums or for some other interest group? Have you considered joining any clubs and societies that may exist in the village? Again, they may not be your ideal but they're what you've got.
I do sympathise. I do understand how restricting it can be having children. However you're the one who's living your life. What new decisions can you take to make your life richer and more fulfilling? What new pastimes might you invest time in so that you can be a good companion for yourself? What can you do right now to make your time more pleasant? How can you pay yourself some positive attention?
I hope, Charlotte, that you are willing to reinvent your life one little bit at a time. I wish you the rich and fulfilling life you deserve. Good luck!
