My disability damages our sex-life

Dear Anne

I am a disabled person with a degenerating spine disease and am therefore confined to a wheelchair. I am very much house-bound and spend most of my time on my back. I've been suffering for around 7 years now. My wife expected me to enjoy sex with her even though it caused me chronic back pain. Since then she seems very withdrawn from me and spends most of her time either phoning or visiting her mum. The phone calls either way can total as many as fourteen in a day. If or when I need help she constantly makes feel as though I've asked the impossible. Anything - help with having a wash, getting dressed, shopping or toilet needs, she just makes me feel as though I am a burden. I do not believe that there is another person apart from her mother who also refuses to acknowledge that I have a problem. I have tried explaining how I feel with regard to the physical side. I could be more understanding towards her if she did not waste so much time on the phone which provides more rest and recreation than any housework or caring. What do I or should I do? Martin

Dear Martin

I'm sorry to hear that you have to put up with constant pain and lack of mobility. People who are lucky enough only to suffer ordinary, passing pains can't really understand what it's like.

So what can you do to improve the situation between your wife and yourself? You may find that your best way of building bridges with her is by making contact with her feelings. The fact that you suffer doesn't alter the fact that she has emotional pain too. Just as you didn't volunteer for this disease, she didn't volunteer for nursing duties either, but she does help you out. You may find it pays dividends if you show your gratitude for things she does for you, perhaps with a smile, a spot of tenderness or a few words of love. This may take a while to soak in so it's worth persevering with! If you and she can come to feel closer, you'll both benefit. As it stands it sounds like she's turning to her mother for comfort. If there's any way that you can provide her with emotional support and comfort, maybe she won't need to make those so-frequent calls which seem to annoy you. Don't you think that for her at the moment they may be a necessary lifeline?

While making love to your wife is painful, perhaps there are ways in which you could give her pleasure which don't involve full intercourse. It may be that you could cuddle her or give her other forms of physical comfort. While this will, hopefully, help you and your wife to bond for the sake of love and companionship, showing your compassion for her situation could make it easier for your wife to continue in her role as carer.

Sometimes people who have to come to terms with ongoing pain become angry. This is hardly surprising but it doesn't make things better for the sufferer or for those around them. I don't know if this is the case with you. You may find it helpful to talk to someone about this. Perhaps your hospital has a medical social worker, a pain relief clinic or even a medical hypnotist who could be useful to you. In addition a friend, a religious leader or a counsellor could help you work through your feelings about your unfair affliction. There may also be ways in which you could enrich your life. Perhaps having visitors, either friends or volunteers, could cheer you a little, or there may be pastimes which you can pursue despite your limited mobility. Pain is bad enough. Pain, misery and boredom are worse, wouldn't you say?

I do hope, Martin, that you are able to make your life the best it can be and that you help your wife do the same for herself. My thoughts and prayers are with you. I wish you both the best of luck.

I wish you faith in yourself and peace of mind. Good luck!

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