Kept at a distance

Dear Anne

I met A in May. He was interested in me first and asked for my number. He just broke away from a long relationship but he wanted to get to know me anyway. We met up 5 times since we met and have had a terrific time. The last relationship has closed its chapter and new doors are opening for him work-wise. I've done everything I can to support him through everything but I feel as if he's just taking from me and not giving in return. As time has gone on he doesn't answer my calls or call back. He takes forever to return a message. I am now calling him a flake. But when he hooks up with me he is totally into being with me: total eye contact, being the perfect gentleman and loving intimate moments with me. He seems to be one way or the other, never a happy medium. All in all he constantly leaves me hanging. Do I stick it out or just give him up? I can't take much more of this. Deborah

Dear Deborah

I'm sorry you're so frustrated and confused by this relationship. Maybe there's more to this than first meets the eye.

You're doing your best to be supportive but it's not getting you what you want in return: a close, intimate, 50-50 love. I can't help wondering whether you're maybe doing too much for him. Sometimes people take endless help as an unspoken message: "You don't think I'm good enough to cope on my own." Then they're likely to withdraw from what they see as implied criticism. Or he may see your many kindnesses not as genuine but as coins with which you hope to "buy" his attention. I'm not saying to be uncaring, but maybe before offering help you might ask him how he feels about whatever it is and if there's anything he wants from you. You get to decide what you will and won't do so you can't blame him if you end up feeling used and resentful.

Of course there's the other part: you know exactly what he's offering: a part-time relationship which is good in spots but is instigated largely by you. What you see is what you get. You'd like it to be different but you can't live in if only. You say you've started calling him a flake. How's that going to help? A spot of Emotional Literacy could be useful: "When you didn't return my call the other day I felt hurt and sidelined. Are you willing to return my calls the same day in future?" And you could try some straightforward negotiation about what you and he hope to get out of spending time together: "This what I want, what do you want?" Remembering always, of course, that actions speak louder than words.

If assertive (rather than aggressive or passive) behaviours don't improve things between you, then maybe it's time to wake up and smell the coffee. Not everyone wants the same things you do. One man's good love is another man's smothering. One woman's romancing is another woman's invasive control.

This will only work out if you both want the same things, in more or less the same degrees and time-scale, and if you have good, mutually respectful problem-solving skills. I wish each of you happiness, but as yet none of us knows whether that will be together or in other relationships which match your criteria more closely. Good luck.