My daughter's dumped me

Dear Anne

Until my daughter was 16 she was an angel. I wouldn't let my husband smack her and I loved her so much. At 16 she changed. She became violent and cruel. She is 36 now, and totally incapably of empathising with others. She treats me like dirt. She cut me for a year when I went into hospital to have my gall bladder removed. She was hateful but two-way discussion was banned so I don't understand why. I've looked after her three year old and her three dogs for her for to work and ride and socialize, but when my partner and I married a month ago, she became hateful. She wrecked my hen night and refused to come to my wedding or let my little granddaughter come. When I went to plead with her two days before, she beat me up and I got married covered in bruises. She got herself in a financial mess in the last 18 months and I have given her all my pension lump sum and my savings. Now I am left with no money, no daughter and no grandchild. I have always blamed myself for her behaviour, thinking it just has to be my fault. But I can't do that any more. My husband has been wonderful to her and yet she has behaved so badly. He's shocked. I wonder whether she has a mental health problem, whether it is just caused by my spoiling her, or whether she is just bad. What would you do in my place? Thank you so much for your time. Heartbroken

Dear Heartbroken

You have my sympathy. To have devoted your life to your daughter only to have her use you in this way must be devastating. But now you've realised it's time to make some different decisions.

Is your daughter "just bad"? No, like all of us she's a mixture of different impulses. Is she mentally ill? Well, it sounds as though she functions quite well in many areas even though she has some emotional difficulties. Is your daughter's behaviour your fault? No. She's an adult. She's responsible for the choices she makes. She's been deciding how to live her life for the last 20 years. Besides, even when she was younger, you weren't the only influence she had. Her father, other relatives, her friends, her teachers, her colleagues, her husband, the media ... You can't change her. But you can make some different decisions for yourself.

You're aware that she's been using you. She probably doesn't see it that way but that's what it looks like from here. Your end of this drama was to let yourself be used, probably for all sorts of complex reasons. Maybe you felt guilty. Maybe you wanted to set her an example of kindness and good love. Maybe you felt there was something you had to make up for. And maybe you hoped it would earn her love and respect. But it hasn't worked, has it?