Ill and abused

I am in turmoil and I need to talk to someone. I'm 40 and have been with my boyfriend for two years. I've been fighting cancer for 9 months. When I met my bf I was very clear that I am a very emotional and affectionate person. I was looking for a romantic loving man. I don't need flowers and gifts but I do need love and intimacy. I came from a very abusive childhood and was in a very violent abusive marriage. At first my bf was romantic but he has never allowed me close. When I try he pushes me away. He has been hurt before. He's a single dad and uses his child to stop me getting too close. I have a good relationship with his child. My bf has always been very hard work but things have got me down so much lately it's making me ill (on top of my cancer). It's troubling that recently he's become very distant and hasn't made love to me for six months. There's no affection unless I touch or kiss him. Even than he won't snog me, just peck me on the lips and push me off. He refuses to discuss it, only saying that he won't make love until the fights stop. We fight because I can't get close. As far as I know there's no physical reason for his rejection. One minute my boyfriend loves me, the next he seems to hate me. He's so cold he freezes me out. He sold his car and bought a new one without telling me, but all my things were still in the boot. When I asked for them, he just laughed. He will ignore me for days, not even acknowledging my text or calls. It takes very little to send him into a rage and lately the relationship is bordering on abusive, mentally and emotionally, though he hasn't hit me yet. I don't live with him but I do stay at his place a few nights a week - he refuses ever to come to mine. Very often he'll flip over something silly and throw me out into the night. Because of the cancer I'm often weak and find myself trying to get a train home in the early hours of the morning. Once this was with just my nightie on and no shoes. It was so embarrassing. Last week when I got to his home he was very tense and wouldn't speak to me so I asked him what was wrong. He told me to shut up but said I shouldn't go home. When I got into bed, I tried to hold his hand but he told me to get off, screaming at me that I made him so unhappy. He told me to get out so I got dressed and left but he chased after me, calling me a stupid cow and told me to get back indoors. He ranted and raved at me for an hour. He told me how useless I am and how I don't make him happy but he won't actually tell me what I've done wrong. I again offered to go, saying, "I just want to make it right. If I'm what's wrong, let me go." He just kept screaming at me. I put a coat over my head and he accused me of being a silly little girl - but this is how I feel, like a child again with my father abusing me. When I leave the relationship he bombards me with lovely texts telling me what an idiot he is and how sorry he is but when I go back nothing changes. We never get close. He says it's me. I try so hard not to upset him but everything I do does. For example I mislaid my mobile when I was exhausted and he went mad at me, throwing things and calling me a stupid bitch. I never call him names, I am scatty at the best of times but since I've been ill it's worse. I am not without blame. I'm very insecure but he's very secretive and cheated on me in the early days. I never mention that because I forgave him but the hurt and betrayal never go away. I left last week, unable to take any more because he'd thrown me out again. The next day he begged me to come back. I would have but he didn't turn up and has ignored my calls. Please help me. Should I just go? He won't see a relationship counsellor. Many thanks Miss W

Dear Miss W

My heart goes out to you. I'm sorry you're feeling so isolated and neglected, particularly when you're battling cancer. However, in your heart of hearts you know that this relationship isn't doing you any good. You've tried talking, asking for what you want, humouring his whims, going out of your way to please him, forgiving him, coping with his secretiveness and his irrational mood-swings. You've put up with hm throwing you out in the middle of your night in your nightie. You've even put up with his blaming you for his actions. You've asked him to go to couples counselling and he refuses. There really isn't any more you can do with this guy. Please read on!

It isn't because you're not good enough. You've shown the patience of a saint, and maybe it's time to stop being quite so forgiving about behaviours he just keeps repeating. Some guys just can't offer good, stable, nourishing love, the kind you long for and deserve. No doubt he does his best but he just doesn't have the capacity. He has now and then been pleasant but his treatment of you has often been selfish, inconsiderate, irrational, aggressive and downright cruel.

It's time to ask yourself a hard question: why do you keep going back for more? Isn't it because you're so desperate for love that you try to blank out the nasty bits in the hope that there'll be another tender moment? If so, please don't blame yourself. The last thing you need is more self-flagellation! All men aren't like this. Many are kind, gentle, romantic, caring and companionable. You've been brought up with abuse so it feels familiar to you and you know how to do your end of it. But you can learn to love yourself and build ways of relating that invite good love from others. As you develop your confidence you'll be better placed to weed out guys who don't treat you right. And then you'll be ready to find someone who can do genuine, stable intimacy.

That isn't going to happen overnight, but people can and do overcome abusive and dependent patterns. Both men (because men can also be survivors of domestic abuse) and women can build self-esteem and create rewarding lives for themselves. They can go on to form good relationships.

There are a number of steps you can take. You might ring Women's Aid on 0808 2000 247 and go to their website at www.womensaid.org.uk. They won't push you into doing anything you're not ready for but they can offer understanding, support and free counselling. While you can't go back and change the past, you can update your decisions about yourself, other people and your place in the world.

When energy permits you could ask your clinic if there's a patient support group or some occupational therapy, and maybe help out in a charity shop or other form of voluntary work. If you do split up with this guy you could join a divorced and separated group where you'll find sympathetic friends of both sexes. The more friends and interests you have, the less you'll feel dependent on a lover. Good love isn't need! You might see if there's a branch of MIND (www.mind.org.uk) in your area which offers a drop-in or some activity classes or groups. In the autumn your local college or adult education centre may give classes you'd enjoy, perhaps one on assertiveness or confidence-building or something like painting for pleasure. Yoga and t'ai chi could help you relax and strengthen your immune system. You might read books such as "Why does he do that? - inside the minds of angry and controlling men by Lindy Bancroft and Women Who Love Too Much (and the men who love them) by Robin Norwood. Two which could help you find optimism and positivity are You Can Heal You Life by Louise Hay (also available in audio format) and Creative Visualisation by Shakti Gawain.

The past is not a map of the future. You can find happiness. And, in time, good love. And this time you'll know the guy needs to tick the emotional availability box. I wish you health and contentment. Good luck.