Bullied after Dad's drinking

Security comes from within. Like everyone else, you have the right to good, stable parenting, but like so many other people that's not what you're getting. So how can you start building your confidence so you don't feel so needy? You could go to www.coping.org and www.confidenceclub.net to find ways of building up your self-esteem. Notice that that's self-esteem, not esteem you borrow from other people's unstable attentions. The odd compliment is nice, but good friendships start with liking yourself. You could work through books such as How To Make Anyone Like You by Leil Lowndes. That, by the way, isn't me saying you're doing anything wrong. But when you like yourself, you'll have much clearer ideas of what's your behaviour and what's theirs. And you won't feel so needy you'll put up with poor treatment either. You'll respond assertively, that is, neither passively nor aggressively. If people behave bitchily, you won't take it as a reflection on you. The other person's behaviour is about them. Take a deep breath and say to yourself, "It's not me who's behaving badly." Don't take blame or criticism that isn't yours! Just mentally hand it back to them and say to yourself, "I matter and I deserve good treatment." Then you could tell them something like, "That sounded quite bitchy but I'm sure that wasn't how you meant it." At which point 9 times out of 10 they'll apologise and be less snippy. Or you'll choose to spend more time with nurturing rather than unpleasant people. The websites at www.bullying.co.uk and www.dfes.gov.uk/bullying could be helpful too.

How does that tie in with your folks? Children, sometimes even adult children, have an unspoken belief that starts, "I'm OK if my parents are OK" and can carry on down this misguided path to "If my parents aren't OK, I'm not OK either." It's as though they haven't realised they're separate from their parents. You're the one living in your body. You're the one who decides - that's right, decides - what you think, what you feel and what you do. It's not your fault if your dad drinks and your mum loses her rag. You may find it useful to go to www.al-anonuk.org.uk/alateen/index.asp. Alateen is for any young person who's in relationship with someone who has, or has had, a drinking problem. Alcoholism affects the whole family, and commonly leads the other family members to have a poor opinion of themselves, to feel vulnerable to rejection, and often to having less than brilliant relationships with others. Alateen could help you to feel secure in yourself and to put in good boundaries between yourself and others so their nasty behaviours bounce off you and rebound on them.

Yes, your dad has behaved in hurtful ways in the past, and so has your mum. But they've done good things too. People aren't the same all the way through like sticks of rock. We're all a mixture of good things and things we'd rather change. You might say to your mum, "I'm sorry Dad's behaviour has hurt you. I'm not surprised you're angry. But please don't tell me all about the bad things he's done because I find it very hurtful." Or at another time, "Mum/Dad, I'm sorry you're upset/hurt/angry but I don't like it when you swear at me. Is there some other way we can handle this situation?" I can't guarantee what answer you'll get but you'll at least have asked for what you wanted, which is good for confidence.

Once again, my sympathies. You matter. But you're not defined by your parents or by manipulative classmates. You can't change what you've had in the past. But you can update your responses to it and learn to be secure in yourself. Increasingly as you become an adult you'll be the one who decides that you're likable, important, allowed to be successful in your own way. Because building your confidence will be a wonderful key to a new, secure and more rewarding life. Good luck, Anon.