Dear Anne
I am 13 years old and facing a bit of a problem. It's my dad and a silly gaming console, and I need help to solve this problem. Every time I see my dad at home he's on the gaming console and when I try to talk to him he tells me to be quiet as I'm putting him off. I also think my mum feels the same way though I haven't asked her. I never see him talk to my mum any more like we all used to. When I told my friends at school I cried as I felt my dad was the worst person and I'm just telling everyone. When my friend stayed over for a night I asked my dad if we could have a go on the console but he swore at me and sent me to my room with my friend just standing there. So I said to my friend, "I told you" and that's when I wanted to cry. He also has an excuse every time I try to bond with him. For example, I ask him to come to golf with me but he said he can't as he has a bad leg, but later on that day he walked perfectly down the stairs, got a coke from the fridge and sat on the game console all day. Please help me solve this problem. Elliott
Dear Elliott
I'm sorry your dad doesn't give you the attention you'd like and indeed deserve. You're a smart lad and you have plenty of initiative. What you don't have is a dad who's much into giving attention, either to you or to your mum. It's not your fault. Or hers. Some parents are physically absent, and some are emotionally absent. Some are aocoholics, some workaholics. And some just get so stressed about work or problems that they retreat into a one-person world such as computer games. On the subject of his bad leg, it may genuinely be that he can do short bursts of activity e.g. going up and down stairs but can't do sustained exercise such as the long walks of golf. That doesn't mean his passion for the gaming console is fair on you, but it might cut down on the hurt you feel when he won't share your pastimes with you. Please be aware that this isn't about you, or your mum. There's nothing wrong with either of you. Your dad's behaviour speaks about him. And maybe he's one of those dads who is great with small children and great again with adults, but can't handle being the father of a teen. You might look up a song by Harry Chapin called Cat's in the Cradle because you're really not alone in this.
Meantime, though, you may be able to "borrow" a father. Perhaps one of your mates has the kind of dad who does spend time with teens. Perhaps there's someone trustworthy you already know at the golf-course who shares your passion for the game. And you can spend time with your mates. In between having a laugh, ask them about their fathers. Some of them may be great, and some of your mates may pretend they have wonderful dads, but I bet there's a lot of teens whose dads are a pain or just not there.
The other thing you can do, of course, is learn from this. Learn that you'll parent in a different way. That you'll handle your emotions wisely, thinking about them and making good decisions based not just on cold logic but on the importance of looking after your friendships and relationships.
I wish you self-belief and nurturing friends. Good luck.
